Recently, the news stories in the media have been coming so fast and furious, they're almost

like a group of muscular bald men driving hot cars out of airplanes, landing them on top of other

cars, and then driving away at high speed while firing a rocket launcher out the window.

Because they're fast and...

Nah, never mind.

Anyway, I began to wonder, how can the news media report all this news in a way that reflects

the outlooks of Americans everywhere across this great land, from the pine forests of Vermont

to the golden wheat fields of Kansas, across the vast expanses of Texas, to the sun-baked beaches

of the Pacific coast? So I decided I would take a look

at the headlines of news outlets from 40th Street in Manhattan all the way to 47th Street,

because that's about all of them. So for instance, in the news, inflation slowed to its lowest

rate in more than four years. Here's the headline from the Wall Street Journal.

Trump's tariffs to cause massive inflation very, very soon, experts who predicted massive inflation

because of Trump's tariffs very soon say. Here's one from the New York Times. Hardworking

migrant Juan Ortega may lose his chicken farm as Trump's policies

cause the bottom to fall out of egg prices. And here's the report from NPR. How Lower

Inflation Spurred the Rise of Hitler, a historical report read by a person with a very soft, sleepy

voice that will make you want to hurt yourself just to make it stop.

Another news story. Trump negotiated a ceasefire between hostile nuclear powers, India and Pakistan.

From the Wall Street Journal. Nuclear devastation averted, leaving millions alive to suffer

massive inflation very soon because of Donald Trump's tariffs, experts who predicted massive inflation very soon because of Donald Trump's tariffs, experts who predicted

massive inflation very soon because of Donald Trump's tariffs say. Or from the New York Times.

...