Some people say that conservatives can't enjoy culture.

These people think we're all a bunch of trogloditic Philistines

who can't tolerate the slightest deviance from outdated norms without harboring violent thoughts about whoever dares to

exercise some creativity. Frankly, I hope the people who say these things die

choking on their stinking culture until their eyes burst and come bubbling down their cheeks like acid that burns their faces off right in the middle of the Oscar speech in which they complain about Donald Trump's morality just before telling their third wife they want to divorce

while driving to see their mistress when they're supposed to be picking their kid

up from rehab. Even the thought of their painful deaths makes me laugh. Not

not laugh but I make a sort of repeated guttural noise that more or less

communicates amusement. Only sissies laugh. But today just to prove that these hostile

cliches about conservatives aren't true, I want to open the show with a review of a great American cultural event, the Super Bowl, which every conservative enjoys.

We're used to enjoy back in the day when men were men,

and they wore those adorable little leather helmets

that made them look cute as a button.

This year's contest began with Andrew Day singing the Black National Anthem.

And let me say right off, this was a tremendous relief to me because I keep hearing Black people are unhappy,

and until now I worried America wasn't treating them right. But it turns

out black people live in an entirely different nation with its own anthem so

they're not our problem. I mean we have enough to worry about right here in America

and can't always be thinking

about how people are treated in black land or whatever their country is called.

If they want to be treated like Americans, they should come to live here.

It's like those women in Saudi Arabia Arabia have to dress up like the ghost of

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