Well, the primary season has begun, so we can finally forget all those useless and ignorance

speculations about what will happen next and report the actual results of the Iowa

Caucasus followed by useless and ignorant speculations about what will happen next.

Donald Trump managed to eek out a victory in the Iowa contest

by winning over several key voting blocks,

including Iowans, other Iowans, and the rest of the Iowans.

With Trump winning 98 of Iowa's 99 counties, and with the 99th county being populated only

by a guy named Homer, who thought the caucuses were on

Thursday instead of Tuesday because both days begin with a T and it's easy to get

them confused. Trump's opponents were left splitting the rest of the state which

consists of a little town named Dune, whose votes are suspect because they spell D-O-O-O-N.

So they obviously have no idea what they're dune.

In the wake of Trump's triumph, Vivek Ramaswami dropped out of the

race. Ron DeSantis said he would stay in the race but would change his name to Vivek Ramaswami so it seemed like he was outperforming expectations and

Nicki Haley declared victory and ordered the invasion of North Korea. The news media and

other Democrats reacted to Trump's victory with anger saying they were appalled

that mere members of the public had voted for Trump after the news media had specifically

instructed them not to.

Because if you can't trust the news media who can you trust besides

literally anyone else on MS NBC Rachel Maddow refused to show Trump's

victory speech and began babbling wildly that she would not expose her

audience to misinformation before she came to her senses and remembered she was on

...