Welcome to our Christmas show, a Christmas gathering with my son Spencer and my daughter of faith,

where we'll reflect on the meaning of Christmas, look back on Christmas's past,

and just basically say the word Christmas as often as we can,

and the hope you'll buy our books so we can take

the rest of the year off.

You know, just the other evening I was sitting right here by the fireplace drinking egg

nog and eating Christmas cookies and wondering whether to induce vomiting or simply lapse into a consciousness.

I was listening to a radio tune to the North Pole so I could hear the elves playing their

magical rendition of my grown-up Christmas list.

That song where a woman goes to see Santa Claus and asks the Wars will never start

and the right will always win and who knows what other nonsense.

And I felt so inspired because I thought to myself you know if

crap like this can get a airplay every Christmas I could probably just smack a

squealing piglet with a trash can lid over and over and call it a Christmas song

and make a four

So I decided that I would put together my own grown-up Christmas list

because by that time let's face it I was pretty much drunk out of my mind and

I thought if I could sit on Santa's knee

without someone taking it on only fans I would ask him to make the world a better place maybe by

installing ejector seats on commercial airlines so that any moron who

listened to his iPad videos without using a headset could be instantaneously jettisoned through the top of the fuselage.

And where was I?

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