From around the world today we're receiving reports of the rapid-fire spread of a virus that transforms human beings into brain-eating zombies.

According to witnesses from every corner of the globe, infected zombies are rampaging through city and countryside

attacking and biting unsuspecting passers-by

after a count of 12 seconds the victim is himself transformed into a walking

corpse that is starved for human brains and can only be stopped by a bullet to the head.

The President of the United States was on vacation in Delaware and could not be reached for comment,

but was said to be carefully monitoring the situation between enjoying the occasional

pistachio ice cream cone and quiet walks along the beach with his doctor wife.

But White House Spokeswoman Corrine Jean identity hire did address the DC press corps saying quote

as a lesbian woman of color I just want to say that our hearts go out to the zombie

community today as they are under attack right now and really suffering.

This president is committed to developing an across-the-board response to the rising

tide of zombie phobia along with the troubling trend of increasing gun violence."

Some conservative outlets released what they claimed was a leaked zombie

manifesto out of Nashville, Tennessee which said in its entirety, quote, must eat brains,

unquote. The chief of police in what used to be Nashville. quote,

the chief of police in what used to be Nashville

and now just a seething hive of brain-eating zombies

responded to the manifesto release by announcing

that he had begun a full investigation

into who had leaked the document

and would suspend the animated corpse of anyone who was responsible.

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