President and Vinyl Houseplant Joe Biden traveled to the Middle East this week to meet with

Arab leaders who refused to see him, and so instead he sat in his hotel room throwing playing cards

into a hat. While the President was away, the United States government was run by a shadowy

cabal of far-left authoritarians who pretended Joe Biden was running things, so no change there.

Houseplant Biden did meet with soon-to-be former Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu

to personally relay his message that Israel should utterly destroy Hamas, just don't hurt anybody.

To honor their United States allies, Israeli dignitaries performed the ancient Jewish ritual

of nodding politely while the powerful Goyamer speaking before settling quietly out of the room

to go kill their enemies. Terrorist leaders meanwhile have declared today a day of unprecedented

anger, to be followed by a day of unbridled nastiness, then a day of unbelievable aggravation

and irritability, after which the return to normal, simply slaughtering innocent people as the

opportunity presents itself. Here in the United States, shadow president Barack Obama reacted to

the greatest atrocity committed against the Jews since Auschwitz by forcefully sort of objecting

to it two and a half days later. To those who believed his response was a detestible signal to

White House staffers not to stand too close to the rug that would soon be pulled out from under

the feet of the Israelis, and Obama spokesman assured the media that the shadow president

is working for peace behind the scenes by helping to supply Iran with nuclear weapons so they

can join the community of nations strapped with nuclear weapons. FBI Director Christopher

Babyface Ray announced that the homeland terrorist threat level has risen from red to holy crap.

We've let a flood of illegal immigrants into the country and have no idea who they are or where

they're hiding. Ray said the Bureau would now focus their attention on trying not to giggle when

they uselessly warn Americans to duck and cover during the next inevitable jihadi attack.

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