Well, everybody seems to have something to say about the new Barbie film,

the summer blockbuster that used up so much pink paint on its set designs.

It actually caused a pink paint shortage spreading panic among people who panic over pink paint.

The film has inspired so much online commentary. It also threatens to cause a shortage of pixels,

spreading panic among people who panic over pixels, who turn out to be the same people who panic

over pink paint and climate change and other meaningless nonsense.

On the right, commentators thought the film sucked because it was a shrill man-hating feminist

greed. On the left, commentators thought the film sucked, but they had to pretend to like it

because it was a shrill man-hating feminist greed. The only person who seemed to enjoy the movie

was Ben Shapiro, who loved it so much he actually bought his own Barbie and played with it

until the fire department came and put it out. So many people have commented on Barbie that

there's very little left for me to say. So I've decided to do something totally original by

offering my comments on Barbie without actually watching the movie. Now, you may ask yourself,

what's the point of that? And the point is, I don't have to watch a movie that's about Barbie

because frankly, if I have to choose between watching a movie about Barbie and sticking a screwdriver

so far into my ear that only the handle sticks out, you'll soon have to call me old screwdriver ear

as in the sentence, boy, that old screwdriver ear sure didn't want to watch a movie about Barbie.

And that would be true. Not caring about Barbie is kind of a passion with me. It's the reason I

forced my daughter to grow up by sticking a pistol in her face and saying, grow up kid or I'll blast

you. All right, it wasn't a real pistol, but she didn't know that and you can bet she grew up in

a big hurry. Anyway, instead of watching Barbie, I went to see Oppenheimer, a movie so long that when

it premiered in Tokyo, the Japanese surrendered again. And now that I haven't seen Barbie for a full

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