After an 11-day investigation, the Secret Service says it cannot determine who owned Hunter Biden's cocaine.

The cocaine was found in the White House, lodged in the butt crack of a prostitute,

who came to light when agents lifted Hunter Biden's unconscious body offer in order to carry him to bed.

The Secret Service says the discovery was made in a restricted area of the White House,

officially called the Game Room, but sometimes referred to as Hunter's Ha-Ha-Hole or the Big Nostrel.

After working through the night, investigators say they are completely baffled in their attempt to identify the owner of Hunter's cocaine,

but they did confirm the coke was of high grade and was very useful in helping them work through the night.

Secret Service spokesman Agent Sino Weevil announced the results of the investigation to reporters

in between sniggering into his sleeve and bursting into helpless laughter while slapping his knee and winking broadly at other federal law officials who were also laughing.

Agent Weevil said, quote,

In trying to identify the owner of Hunter Biden's cocaine, the Secret Service worked closely with the investigators at the Department of Justice who tried to identify the owner of Hunter Biden's $10 million in bribes.

And while our efforts were similarly unsuccessful, I would like to point out that the DOJ had to wait five years for the statute of limitations to run out while we were far more efficient and just farted around for 11 days than lied, unquote.

Agent Weevil said the Secret Service investigation into who owned Hunter Biden's cocaine demonstrated competence in the oldest tradition of the service, which was created to protect the President of the United States by Abraham Lincoln on April 14th 1865, the day before Lincoln was assassinated.

Altogether, six of 31 Presidents have been shot on the Secret Services Watch, which is a success rate of around 80% not bad if you don't mind losing 20% of your Presidents.

Agent Weevil added, however, that those previous failures were due to rank in competence, whereas the current failure was merely the result of corruption reaching to the highest levels of American government.

The failed investigation into who owned Hunter Biden's cocaine was considered to be of such great importance that the agent in charge woke up the President to inform him of the results.

Biden was in an Oval Office meeting with Israeli President Isaac Kerzai at the time and was so startled to be awakened he sat up straight in his chair shouting, holy crap.

I'm surrounded by Jews, unquote.

After the President was reassured that President Herzog would not kill him and use his blood to make Matsah, President Biden laughed and said he always knew Congresswoman Jayupal had just made that story up to frighten him.

Biden then apologized for falling asleep in the meeting, but said he had been finding it difficult to stay awake ever since his son had lost his stash of cocaine and a prostitute's butt crackdown in his ha ha hole.

Attorney General Merrick Scarface Garland remarked on the investigation in a statement written into the wall of a Chicago garage with bullets from a Tommy gun.

The statement said, quote, even though federal investigators have failed to discover who owned Hunter Biden cocaine, I want to reassure the public that a rank corruption at the highest levels of American government will not be tolerated by those of us at the highest levels of American government.

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