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Whitlest New York City Mayor Eric Whitlest Adams, who made history in January of last year

by becoming the city's first entirely Whitlest Black mayor since David Dinkins, has announced

his new Whitlest Plan to control the city's swiftly spreading plague of shoplifting by

not controlling the city's swiftly spreading plague of shoplifting.

The plan, entitled the Whitlest Plan to stop shoplifting by not stopping shoplifting,

includes such Whitlest innovations as giving first-time offenders intervention programs

instead of prosecution and installing kiosks and stores that would connect thieves with

social service programs.

Mayor Adams announced the plan to reporters in order to distract them while his age stole

their cameras, microphones and other expensive equipment.

Now, I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking, O'Claven, you colossal cascade of cramudgingly comedy.

Only you could dream up a Democrat response to crime so insanely ineffective.

It causes us to laugh ho ho ho like Santa Claus right up until the moment we're gunned down

by six youths speeding by in a trans-AM, who are then charged with misdemeanor reckless

driving and released without bail so they can get back to their day job, which is shoplifting.

But no, I'm not making this up.

...