Big wins for Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump last night in the East, including the state of Pennsylvania,

where the American experiment began. Hillary, having won the Democratic primary in the

Keystone state, said in her victory speech, quote, it was here in this state that a group of racist

white men set this nation on a course of slave holding and stealing land from Indians,

and I pledged you tonight to reverse that trajectory until we're all, once again,

naked savages ripping each other's hair off with stone knives. She then began coughing uncontrollably

until a bloody lump of pure corruption spilled out over her sharpened teeth after which she went on

to say, quote, I want to tell you here tonight, whatever will cause you to give my foundation as much

money as possible, and I mean that sincerely from the bottom of my heart or not if you'd rather

I didn't. Bernie Sanders and his concession speech said, I would like to congratulate Secretary Clinton,

even as I weep for the peasants freezing to death in the snowy fields outside of Moscow while the

czar sits in his palace oblivious to their suffering. Reporters asked Senator Sanders what he was

talking about, then remembered who they were speaking to and the question answered itself.

Meanwhile in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, where the ghosts of the Civil War dead gathered to weep for

the fate of the Union they fought and died to preserve, Donald Trump made his victory speech,

saying, quote, four score and seven years ago, and let me tell you folks when it comes to scoring,

I have scored many times, many, many times, and with some of the most beautiful women in the world,

wives, very powerful men, frankly, because let me tell you there is nothing wrong with my tiny hands,

I guarantee it. And I know some people are going to say this is not the sort of speech that Ugly A.

Blinken would have made. I like to call him Ugly A because just look at that face, it's a disaster.

They say he was a great president, but he was shot. And I prefer presidents who weren't shot.

He was sitting there in the theater watching a comedy or whatever while the guy with the gun

...