The best gift I've ever received has to be a bike when I was younger, a pedal bike.

It was a sort of slick little road bike and I remember it was all like, it was so, it was all wrapped up,

it was so obvious what it was obviously because nothing shaped like a bike and I had a little ribbon on it and I was so guest.

For that was a life changer and I'm still sort of big on cycling around my area now so for that one change me a little.

Enjoy in every sip with red cups now back at Starbucks.

Government health officials and other sinister and competence are warning Americans about the onset of a new brain eating energy sapping mind numbing pandemic called the World Cup.

The symptoms are lethargy, apathy, irritability and a tendency to turn on the sports news only to experience a complete blackout until you wake up in bed with the Venezuelan prostitute.

A random collection of farm animals and a one-legged midget who may or may not be a communist spy.

That last symptom may only apply to me.

Along with being a soul destroying plague, ravaging the nation, the World Cup of course is also the championship match of what the Europeans call football because it's played with your foot and a ball and what Americans call soccer because it's football where that boring Americans wouldn't watch it.

It's called the World Cup because the entire world participates unlike the baseball championship which is called the World Series because it's played by the only part of the world that anyone takes seriously.

For those of you who have been doing something more interesting than watching soccer like picking your nose or listening to a political discussion on the view, let me give you a quick summary of how the game is played.

First, a group of men dress up like high school girls, unless it's women's soccer, then a group of high school girls dress up like men dressing up like high school girls, which would be confusing if anyone were watching but it's women's soccer so that's not a problem.

Next, the girly men run back and forth kicking a ball around a field for no discernible reason.

The only rule is that you're not allowed to touch the ball with your hands. That eliminates any side effects that might arise from the use of the opposable thumb like say human civilization.

Now, whenever a man on one team brushes lightly against a man on the opposing team, the man on the opposing team has to throw himself down on the ground and whine and cry and make a big drama out of nothing because if you're going to dress like a high school girl, you might as well go the whole hog.

Then, whenever someone who's kicking the ball enters the general vicinity of the goal, everyone in the stands has to jump up and cheer as if something has happened.

Otherwise, they would have to face the fact that nothing has happened and nothing is ever going to happen and that would be intolerable.

If by some random chance, the ball should actually roll into the goal, then of course there's a riot.

Continuing the centuries-old global tradition, a staging mass violence between people of different nations over something totally meaningless and incomprehensible that everyone would have forgotten in a week or two if so many young men hadn't been killed in the resultant fighting.

Now, this year, the World Cup is being held in the Muslim nation of Qatar because over the years, Christians have suffered enough.

And of course, Qatar being a Muslim nation, the authorities there have banned drinking at the matches and will not allow the celebration or encouragement of homosexuality.

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