The CDC has issued new guidelines for dealing with coronavirus, which is sometimes also referred to as the Chinese Communist Bio-Attack on America,

where the Fluman Chou, the Kung-Flu, the Yellow Paral, or simply by pointing at a random Chinese person on the street and shouting,

Hey, that looks just like the guy who gave me this lousy virus.

The CDC, which stands for C, D.C. is even corrupted the medical community,

says the guidance they gave for the Delta variant won't work on the Omicron variant any better than it did on the Delta variant,

so their doctors have come up with an entirely new set of guidelines in order to pass the time until they're feeling better and can get back to work.

Guideline number one, wear a mask. This is very effective in that it will make you so uncomfortable that when you catch the virus,

you'll be able to take the mask off and think, wow, even though I now have a fever of 103, I still feel better than I did when I was wearing that mask.

The CDC says you should especially put masks on children under two because it's hilarious watching them try to take it off and it will keep you entertained until your fever goes down.

Guideline number two, schools should be closed. This won't do anything to prevent the virus,

but it will allow teachers unions to draw salaries for doing nothing so they'll remain typical public officials.

If your child tells you the school closure is causing him trauma, put a mask on him so you can pretend not to understand what he's saying.

Otherwise, teachers might have to work for a living, which might cause them to vote Republican.

Guideline number three, stay six feet apart from other people unless you're having sex with a stranger or inciting a race riot.

If you're having sex with a stranger while inciting a race riot, there might be a job opening for you at CNN, especially if the stranger is under 16.

If you should take the job at CNN, remember to wear a mask so no one will recognize you and you can claim it with someone else inciting a race riot on CNN.

Guideline number four, be alert for Omicron symptoms. These include sore throat, running nose, aches, rashes, and itch at the back of your neck, smelly feet,

a sesame seed, caught in your teeth, a dreamy smile that comes over your face because your mind drifted and you stopped worrying about Omicron for a moment,

and a feeling that your iPhone is vibrating in your pocket even when it's not.

If these or any other physical feelings other than perfect bliss should occur, immediately have someone stick a wire so far up your nose,

it touches your brain and causes you to remember a previous life possibly in ancient Egypt.

Quarantine for 10 days while you're waiting for the test results, then put on a mask and stay home.

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