There's exciting news in the ongoing battle against the Chinese virus, or as it's sometimes

called the Kung Flu, or the Flue Manchu, or the Mulan Flu, or the Disney World Wide Pandemic.

Dr. Anthony Fauci has been given the coveted Andrew Cuomo Special Emmy Award

for best performances and expert giving advice during a disaster when it would have been nice

to have an actual expert, giving actual advice. The lovely trophy consists of a hockey mask

crossed with a butcher knife covered in what is either bronze or dried blood. It's difficult to tell

which without getting closer than is considered safe. Dr. Fauci won the Special Emmy for his role

in giving such memorable pieces of advice as, don't wear a mask. No, we only said don't wear a mask

because we needed the masks, so wear a mask. Wear two masks. Wear three masks. Wear as many masks as

it takes to get you to shut up and stop saying I'm a babbling idiot, then don't wear a mask. What a

whycare as long as you continue to shut up. Fauci also advised those who were concerned about

catching the Chinese flu or the regular flu or a cold or warts or an uncomfortable breeze out of

the north or any other disease or possible cause of a disease to shelter in place, breathe as

little as possible and hop on one foot bobbing your head from side to side so the germs would have

a hard time hitting you as they flew by. Fauci recommended you continue to do this until late spring

or until death passes from the earth, whichever comes second. The Andrew Cuomo Emmy was presented by

Cuomo himself in a Zoom call from an undisclosed location where the governor's hiding while police

continue their nationwide man hunt for the man believed to be responsible for the deaths of more

than 13,000 elderly people in the state of New York. In his presentation speech Cuomo said,

quote, I just want to say to police officers everywhere that you lousy screws will never take me

alive because I'm not going back to prison. So eat lead John Law. Unquote Cuomo then climbed to

the top of a gas tank and shouted top of the world, Ma and blew himself to kingdom come rather than

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