Hooray, hooray, it's Indigenous Peoples Day.

That's what left this want to rename Columbus Day.

Instead of celebrating the discovery of America by Christopher Columbus,

we'll celebrate the history of America's native peoples,

where it colonized and slaved and sometimes even wiped out

when the evil white man arrived.

Celebrating the history of native peoples instead of the history of Europeans

has many advantages.

For one thing, native history is a lot easier to remember

because the natives never actually accomplished anything.

With the Europeans, there are all those names and dates

you have to memorize like Isaac Newton and 1776 and Shakespeare and stuff.

Also, when you celebrate the Indigenous Peoples,

you get a warm, fuzzy feeling inside

because it allows you to pretend you're exempt from the universal guilt of history,

but you don't have to stop using things like air conditioning,

birth control, and iPhones that you don't get without the universal guilt of history.

For instance, last year, Seattle City Council voted to rename Columbus Day

Indigenous Peoples Day and then celebrated by getting in their Priuses

and driving to Starbucks where they all enjoyed Grand A Mocha Half-Calf Latte

Frappuccinos while texting their friends about how wonderful the Indigenous people were

and how wouldn't it be splendid if they'd never been colonized

...