Eli Finkel || How the Best Marriages Work
The Psychology Podcast
iHeartPodcasts
4.4 • 2K Ratings
🗓️ 16 February 2023
⏱️ 41 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
Today we welcome Eli Finkel. He is a professor at Northwestern University, where he has appointments in the psychology department and the Kellogg School of Management. In his role as director of Northwestern’s Relationships and Motivation Lab (RAMLAB), he has published more than 160 scientific papers and is a guest essayist for The New York Times. The Economist declared him “one of the leading lights in the realm of relationship psychology.” His latest book is called The All-Or-Nothing Marriage.
In this episode, I talked to Eli Finkel about how the best marriages work. The institution of marriage has evolved throughout the decades. People used to tie the knot for socioeconomic purposes, but nowadays we seek to fulfill our higher need for self-actualization in relationships. According to Eli, higher expectations are not necessarily bad for marriages if people can use them strategically. Eli also shares love hacks we can implement to improve our relationships with our partners.
Website: elifinkel.com
Twitter: @EliJFinkel
Topics
02:54 Pleasure vs meaning in romance
05:49 There’s no rule for marriages
08:15 The pre-industrial mindset of marriage
10:39 Vertical integration of needs in a relationship
13:55 Expectations, goals, & fulfillment
17:53 The evolution of marriage
22:30 The All or Nothing Theory of Marriage
25:21 Mate evaluation theory and other studies
34:48 The value of love hacks
38:21 Positive attribution bias
39:36 Third-party reappraisal on conflict
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
Transcript
Click on a timestamp to play from that location
| 0:00.0 | And so for me, the issue really isn't about whether you should expect a lot or expect a little, |
| 0:04.3 | it's really being about strategic in the way that you're expecting things. Are you expecting |
| 0:08.7 | the sorts of things that the two of you that this particular relationship can actually deliver, |
| 0:13.8 | if so, then you should double down and expect those things and hope for greatness. And if |
| 0:17.6 | you're expecting things that are implausible, then you're probably ill advised to do so. |
| 0:22.4 | Hello and welcome to the Psychology Podcast. Today we welcome Eli Finkel on the show. |
| 0:32.3 | Eli is a professor at Northwestern University where he has appointments in the |
| 0:36.2 | Psychology Department and the Kellogg School of Management. In his role as director of Northwestern's |
| 0:41.3 | relationships and motivation lab, or RAM lab for short, he has published more than 160 scientific |
| 0:47.2 | papers and is a guest essayist for the New York Times. The economist acquired him, quote, |
| 0:52.0 | one of the leading lights in the realm of relationships psychology. His latest book is called |
| 0:56.5 | the All or Nothing Marriage. In this episode, I talked to Eli Finkel about how the best marriages work. |
| 1:02.5 | The institution of marriage has evolved throughout the decades. People used to tie the knot for |
| 1:06.8 | socioeconomic purposes, but nowadays, we seek to fulfill our higher need for self-actualization |
| 1:12.2 | in relationships. According to Eli, higher expectations are not necessarily bad for marriages |
| 1:17.5 | if people can use them strategically. Eli also shares love hacks we can implement to |
| 1:22.0 | improve our relationships with our partners. This episode is a long time coming. I've been |
| 1:26.0 | wanting to chat with Eli for a long time. I've been a long time admirer of his research. I find |
| 1:30.4 | his work incredibly nuanced and incredibly relevant, and so I really am excited to present |
| 1:35.1 | this episode to you today. So without further ado, I bring you Dr. Eli Finkel. Dr. Eli Finkel, |
| 1:40.7 | it is an honor to have you on the psychology podcast. That's a pleasure to be here. Thanks for |
| 1:44.2 | having me. We've wanted to talk for a while. Finally, it's finally the moment is here. Sure, |
... |
Please login to see the full transcript.
Disclaimer: The podcast and artwork embedded on this page are from iHeartPodcasts, and are the property of its owner and not affiliated with or endorsed by Tapesearch.
Generated transcripts are the property of iHeartPodcasts and are distributed freely under the Fair Use doctrine. Transcripts generated by Tapesearch are not guaranteed to be accurate.
Copyright © Tapesearch 2026.