Alright, if you didn't know it yet, my new book, The Antihiro Advantage with Portfolio Penguin is here and it is available on Amazon, porch light, Barnes and Noble, booksellers everywhere. Now if you don't know what this book is about or you're confused about the title, right? The book and the title speak to people who feel like maybe they've had some flaws, doubts, demons, or they didn't fit the sterilized mold of what a leader or leadership is supposed to look like. So a big part of this book is about helping the listener or sorry, the reader, you, understanding that great or effective leadership isn't about pretending to be perfect or having it all figured out. It is learning how to leverage those same fears, doubts, scars, and so-called flaws, and how being able to do so is what makes you a better leader. The book is also about primarily how to navigate the darker side of leadership, especially the parts so many books do not cover. How to deal with defensiveness, conflict, egos, power dynamics, difficult personalities, resistance to change, and because so much of leadership is a messy social process at its heart, the book gives strategies for being able to overcome a lot of those internal and external conflicts and hopes you become more socially agile and self-aware. The goal of the book was simple. I wanted to create something that I wish I would have had when things didn't go as planned. I wanted something that was like this black book of secrets that I could hand to anybody that felt like, man, I have this boss. Or I deal with this bureaucracy or my kids struggling with getting bullied at school. And I wish I had a resource to give him a rehearsal. They could understand people and how to get around this. We are so grateful to be able to have this support of folks like General Stanley McChrystal, the legendary Stephen Pressfield and so many more because why because why? In today's world more than ever, we need to know how to deal with the gray area and the messy realities of leadership in life. So please go to artofcoaching.com slash book, now to get your copy or to get discounted copies for your team, and you can reach out to us for that info at artofcoaching.com.

So artofcoaching.com slash book, and make sure you're on the newsletter because we are gonna do a lot of cool pre-order bonuses. In the next few months, I can't wait to share this with you. Check it out, check it out. Welcome to the Art of Coaching Podcast. I'm Brett Bartholomew and at a young age, poor communication nearly caused me my life. Now, I help others navigate the great area of social interaction, power dynamics, and communication so they can become more adaptable leaders regardless of their profession, age, or situation. This podcast is for everybody who is fascinated with solving people problems. So if you're the no nonsense type who appreciates frank conversations, advice you can put to use immediately and learning how others navigate the messy realities of leadership, you're in the right place. I'm glad that you're joining us. Let's dive in. [♪ music playing in background, [♪ music playing in background, [♪ music playing in background, [♪ music playing in background, [♪ music playing in background, [♪ music playing in background, [♪ music playing in background, [♪ music playing in background, and say, hey, I would love to do, I would love for you to do, on episode where you could essentially do some distilled principles. They said, I know you have a new book out. I'm excited to read it, but have you ever done a podcast where you just went through some notes that you remind yourself of time to time, whether that's favorite quotes, principles, concepts, and the like? I thought this was a pretty good idea. I think it's a way to hit a wide range of topics. As many of you know, we try to do a lot of things that help you triage things that you deal with day to day. And I felt not intimidated, but at first I was like, man, this is really tough because I think there's an expectation sometimes for it to be like my favorite tips or the number one thing and And of course, those are contextual. So I'm not going to do that. Some of these are going to be raw, kind of literal notes that I make to myself. And these are things that I, some of which I go way more in depth in in the book, but they hint at things that I've learned about human nature, power, influence, self awareness over the years. I'm gonna take you up on it. So today's episode are some reminders, some tips, some quotes, some things that I keep handy and that I've referenced numerous times in different circumstances. We'll bounce around a little bit, topically. I'll give a little bit of detail of why I believe each of these and why I think they can be valuable in your life and we'll go around from there. So one thing that they wanted was for me to touch on different things around communication and influence. And you know one thing one note that I always kept is just point blank communication is the foundation of influence and leadership. If you're thinking how do I become a better coach and a leader? Well when you reverse engineer those things you think that while coaching and leading and guiding and teaching, those are all first and foremost, social acts, right? They're interpersonal acts. They happen with people in social environments. So if you want to be more skilled at those things, of course that comes down to the root of it is communication. And we have to communicate to be able to influence people. And I know there's some people out there that really don't like that term, I think because of the social media connotation, that's not how I'm using it, right? Influence, I mean, this is a term that has just like countless other terms, a legitimate definition. And it means that we are enacting a capacity to change somebody's behavior. And I think that that's really hard for a lot of people to do sometimes because it's very easy and it's our tendency to think if somebody doesn't do the things that we want, I just had a social media post about this, that they're the issue, that they're the issue, that it's their problem. And it's really easy for some leaders to get a God complex and say, and say, hey, I've had this many years of experience. I have these certifications. I have these credentials. I have these licenses, whatever that is. And if you don't take my advice, then you're an idiot. And that's unfortunately, I understand the frustration, but it's wrong. Right? Being able to influence and lead people and change their behavior, at least to do so well, means that you have to appreciate their perspective. You don't have to agree with it, but you have to appreciate it because you have to meet them where they're at. You are not an expert until somebody invites you into their life as one. And just like power in many realms of subjective value is subjective expertise and credibility is subjective. And that can drive us nuts as a society. Believe me, it does for me too. There are people out there that claim to be communication experts or people that do this. And really, they're giving people scripts. And those scripts won't last beyond one second of an actual difficult interaction. They're not teaching people principles. But that doesn't matter. Those people are still providing value in the eyes of others. And who am I to rebel against that? The main thing I have to focus on is what I can control. And so for so many people, they forget that communication is that foundation of influence and leadership because they don't see the issues they face day to day as a communication issue. A good friend of mine, Emma Height was talking about this, she was talking about how there's clinicians, she works with, and other people that they're like, I just don't get why this client won't do this. I don't get why this person who comes to me won't do that, and she tries to help them understand that that's a communication issue, not being able to bridge the gap and be able to interact in ways that increase, buy-in-and adherence ultimately comes down to that. So I think most people just really need to be less self-conscious about realizing we're all gonna have gaps in our ability to influence and lead, and that doesn't mean you're a bad communicator, that doesn't mean anything other than you have to pay more attention to the social aspect of it because you are in the business of behavior change. You are in the business of social interaction. You are in the business of helping people, and that means you must understand human nature. You must dedicate more of your time working on how to interact against constraints so that you can get people to give more effort at here to whatever you're proposing more consistently and be able to just ultimately have better outcomes. And that is why principle number two, and these are not in any order, but something that I think people need to have tattooed on their forehead, is the limit of your effectiveness, is never what you know it is what somebody else understands. I'm gonna say that again. The limit of your effectiveness is not about what you know. It is about what somebody else actually understands. You have to be somebody that can translate knowledge. Not everybody you work with needs to know everything you know. They need to know the need to know for the now, how it impacts their life. You have to do what I talked about in my first book, talk in color. You have to make it make sense to them. You have to be able to describe it so many different ways. I very much disagree for that reason. With the notion that I heard somebody say once and this is not me disagreeing with that quote, if you can't explain it to a five year old, you don't know well enough yourself. But I had heard somebody once say, you know, the more words you use, the less likely it is you understand what you're talking about. I get where sometimes that may be true. But I think about in my case, in many coaches case, in many leaders case, in many people's case, you know, you've often had to relate to a wide range of individuals. In my background originally, when I was a strength coach, I would lead large groups. These could be groups of 15 to 70 men or women at a time. And so when I was describing a drill or an exercise or something, I would have to do so in sometimes three to five different ways. And for somebody that's very analytical, I could get down to the nitty gritty, but then I would also have to pitch it as, in a metaphorical sense for somebody else, others would need a more illustrative example, so I would actually have to go demonstrate and show them that. I come from a realm where you have to explain to large groups. You have a short amount of time to explain something to them. And you have to do so in three to five ways to connect with the larger audience. Right? And but the bottom line is that comes back to again, that translation of knowledge. Many people get frustrated because they think somebody is stubborn or not listening. They're not in reality. You're often not being as creative as you could be in explaining it. And I know it sucks sometimes, you know, but that is your duty. You have to understand that words matter, but how you wield them matters more, right? Words matter, but how you wield them matters more. Words matter, but how you wield them matters more, because meanings are not just in words. They are in people and their perceptions. That's why certain people get really offended by certain phrases or terms. And other people don't, right? There are cultural differences. And I don't even mean cultural as in a different country or a different region. It can be cultures, subcultures, anything like that. And when people think, let me take a step back and think, wow, what am I trying to get this person to understand it? It's most simple, basic sense. How am I saying that now? And we're also just having the humility to say, hey, Sarah, hey, Dean, hey, John, hey, whatever. I feel feel like I'm not doing a good enough job getting the value of this across you or the point across you. Like how? What helps you learn best? I want to take it upon myself to be better at connecting these dots for you. It's okay to have that humility. But most people screw up this part of it because they get so sensitive about communication, they let their ego get into it. And all I say is just listen to people that refuse and want to do this. If you don't know how to talk in color, then don't be surprised when people don't see the big picture because that is your job as a subject matter expert in somebody that helps individuals. You have to help them get beyond the things that are in their head, their preconceptions and see things in a new light. And I think that that is a really, really, really important thing that can never, ever be emphasized enough, all right? Another thing that people, they said, what is something that helps you, I'm trying to read this, what is something that helps you connect more deeply with somebody who thinks they're always right and no matter what, they'll justify. Okay. One principle that I've written down that I always go back to is belief follows behavior, more than behavior follows belief. And what I mean by that is people often don't decide who they'll who they'll become or how they'll behave in advance. They typically rationalize who they are or what they've done after they're already on a certain path. So you could go back to somebody in 2021 and let's say there's somebody that's like, oh, I would never do this, right?

I would never do that.

And then you could show them a future version of themselves in 2025, 2026, or beyond where they did that. And they could still not really connect to it. But if you ask that future or present version of themselves, hey, but you're doing this now, don't you remember when you said you would never do that back then,

they're gonna be really quick to then start to rationalize that.

That is how people deal with that kind of psychological discomfort known as cognitive dissonance. When you present somebody with something where it shows them, hey, you've gone against what you said in the past or you're doing the thing that you said you would never do or you're being stubborn in this situation and you always profess that you're open-minded, we have to go back to the work of Leon Fessinger, right? And cognitive dissonance, because when somebody's behavior and their beliefs conflict, right, that is the name of that psychological discomfort is like it come, it's a civil war. They're at their self-image is under attack. And so for them, the most common resolution is not then changing their behavior. It's rewriting belief. Well, I didn't mean to act that way. This is actually what happened. So it was justified. And that's tricky because I didn't mean to act that way becoming actually this was justified later on becomes well that's just who I am. Because once this behavior has happened repeatedly and people continue to justify their actions to protect their self-image, then that belief, right, those beliefs start to bend. And this is why after a point, what do you, like people ultimately become what they can't stop doing? Every one of us has certain compulsions. Every one of us has certain kind of reflexive responses. And if we start to feel like, you know, these things aren't good anymore, they're being used against us or to guilt or shame us. We're going to have to rationalize. We start to rat people, do that. We have to make ourselves feel better about our actions all the time. The point of all this is is if you're coming up against somebody who's incredibly stubborn, you have to remember like we talked about in the last episode, you trying to speak to them through logic or appeal in a logical sense is only gonna typically make them deal, dig their heels in more. Because remember, they've rewritten their beliefs to justify their behaviors. And they're gonna protect that self-image, all of the time, all right? Or at least the majority of the time, unless life deals them with a really hard lesson where now they've got a reconcile, right? Or they have a reckoning where they realize, holy shit, I can't really hide behind this anymore, or like a small-scale intervention, okay? So, and I think this also leads to somebody asked this question, what a meta question. I feel like this might be a trap, but these are related. Somebody goes, I am so tired of people in my life telling me, apparently the listener here had gone through some hard stuff. I want to be mindful of time and also protect their identity. Somebody always keeps a friend of mine keeps saying, everything happens for a reason. It drives me nuts. That was kind of where that was left. It drives me nuts as well. I get it and I know most people just don't know what to say. They ask my opinion and I said, okay, let's say everything happens for a reason that may be true, but what's really true is whether everything happens for a reason or not, going back to what we tell ourselves and self-belief and self-concept, one thing you can guarantee about people in human nature is we will give whatever happens to us a reason that we're comfortable with. This and this happen, but this is why. I guess it had to happen because of this. We will start to give it a reason. People have to be able to make sense. It drives all human beings nuts to have uncertainty or a feeling where they don't have control. So when we rewrite our beliefs or we give reasons whether existential or otherwise, it helps us psychologically. It creates a sense of psychological ease because it gives us this idea that there's a plan. We're in control. Something's gonna be made right. Something is gonna be made right. And that feels me better. That makes me feel better. That's often why people often say everything happens for a reason. I, think about it. If we had to be, let's say we knew today that not everything happens for a reason and some of it is just chaos and randomness and what have you. People would lose their damn minds a lot of times because they just realized that they feel like they have no sense of control. And that is scary for a lot of people. That is really, really, really scary for a lot of people. All right, switching gears. Another one of my little sound bites. One time I said this to a client, they were dealing with a mentor, they were having a conflict with. They said, I believe this person is being arrogant. I used to look up to them. And one thing I just said is, listen, I don't know this individual, but it seems like you've had a fairly long relationship with them and they've had your best interest at heart most of the time. Is that correct? And they said, yes. And I go, okay, well, here's my only advice. Make sure that you are not confusing tough love, strong opinions, and passion as arrogance. I'll say that that again. Make sure that you are not confusing tough love, strong opinions and passion as arrogance. I'll say that again. Make sure that you are not confusing tough love, passion and strong opinions as arrogance. And I say this because in today's society, and we've talked about this a lot in the last pot, a few podcasts, people are really quick right now. If somebody doesn't agree with them or stroke their ego, all that person's a narcissist or this person is this and this person is that we write them off or they're arrogant. That, you know, those are broad brush strokes. Sometimes the people that you need to value most in your life are the people who are gonna hold you accountable for things even when you wish they would agree with you. The people you should value most in your life are the people that are gonna hold you accountable even when you believe you're in the right and in reality you're in the wrong. And so you have to really be able to do this audit and think, man, in every little criticism, man, every little joke, there's a kernel of truth. Am I rejecting this and reacting strongly to this and wanting to call it narcissism or arrogance or what have you because it's really hitting something in me that I'm not okay with. And I'm not going to, this is not an episode where I'm gonna explore these things 360 and be like,

but in some cases, we already have episodes like this. This is kind of more of that. Sound bite, note taking episode of things. People have told me have really helped them and they're like, write that down. Tell that to another client you're working with or things that I've just appreciated, okay? Let's see, another one. Oh, I stand behind this. This is actually a part of how I open my current book,

The Anteer Advantage.

A client said, you once described a leadership to me as a messy, lonely, full contact sport, and that's never gone away. I still stand by this leadership of any kind, whether you are somebody that holds formal authority, a certain title, or you're just a part of a broader organization where you still guide people. Leadership absolutely is a messy, lonely, full-contact sport. All of these books and all of these movies and all of these things over the years that present leadership is this glorious thing where you're always making progress and you're always making a difference, right? They sell a false narrative. Much of the time being involved in an act of leadership, especially during chaotic moments and complex periods through human history or organizational change, it can feel heroing. It can feel gloomy. It can drag you to the depths of despair because you're never fully ever gonna feel like you're getting your job done. You're never gonna feel like you're making progress because progress happens at such a just horrendously slow pace many times and it does in many facets of human history. It does so in civil rights, it does so in women's rights, it does so in any large or small change sometimes because people are inherently resistant to change because we often hate what change represents. Change requires effort. Change requires us to get out of our comfort zone. People don't like that. And this is a whole chapter in my book, The Antioch or Advantage, where we talk about the 10 choke points of change and how to overcome them. But there's sound bite that this client always wanted me to to repeat to him. And he said, he put on his wall was a leadership is a messy, lonely, full contact sport. All right. Another one from the conscious coaching era. The quote was meat. This was from my first, conscious coaching, mediocre coaches, stop learning once they have a little success. Good coaches continue to learn, but only from people within their specific expertise. Great coaches continually expose themselves to new ideas and new experts no matter what field they're in. And then I would even go beyond that and say, world class coaches continuously put themselves in positions where their ego and their comfort zone is tested, right, where their ideas are contested. In a healthy way, I'm not talking about social media trolling. I'm talking about getting in there and saying, what are my blind spots? Where might I be wrong? This is a big reason why we use social scrimmaging at the apprenticeship and we use a lot of improv. You can always tell the true, the people that really want to learn in the room because they're not afraid to fail. They get that it's a test kitchen. They get that it's a rough first draft. They get that it's a chance to try on a different kind of alter ego, a different face, a different way of communicating. And that's the nature of truly effective leadership at its core is adaptability. If there is one trait that really defines somebody as a effective leader or a more effective leader, it is their adaptability. It is their willingness to challenge their own ideas, shift gears, make the unpopular opinions, even risk being hated sometimes, if you are not willing to be able to change how you behave, who you are, any of these things within the situational constraints of the moment. I'm not talking about giving up your values. I'm not talking about being unethical. I'm talking about being able to shift gears and open your mind and be able to throw out some old ideas then you're not a true leader, right? There's nothing to do with your title. It is nothing to do with your skin color, your gender, any of that bullshit. It has to do with your willingness to adapt, your willingness to shed your old skin, your willingness to sometimes make a fool of yourself and be contradicted, to be criticized, to be condemned, to be complained about. That's the nature of it. That's the nature of it. It is not some heroic feat or gesture where man oh man isn't this great. That's not the case. Okay. Let's go into some other topics here. To do do do do. One thing that I love this is in the category of self-awareness. Only by admitting what we are, who we really are, can we actually get what we want or need, right? And what I mean by this is a lot of times, people try to deny their own nature. They do. They try to suppress aspects of themselves because they feel like it doesn't fit the societal mold of what is approved upon and what is not. People will try to, people, I have one client

that she very much is trying to hide her own weirdness. She's just like, I know I'm a little quirky. I know I have a dark sense of humor and I feel like it's gonna get me in trouble and I'm like, you know, I think you need to double down on these things. And if you don't double down, you're not gonna find the jobs that you love. not going to find the people that actually support you and are for you. You have to admit

what you are. This is why my book is called the Antihero Advantage. I recognize I am more of an antihero. I am not a role model. I am not perfect. I have no desire to be perfect. I have no desire to be the internet's darling. I have no desire to be this person who is universally looked up to. I want to be respected by my peers and peers that know what it's like to go through the shit show of life. Peers that know what it's like to put yourself out there. Peers that have skin in the game, right? And they're not the type of people that are online being like, this book sucks and they've never created anything of their own or peers that is just like,

you have to know what you are, right? And this goes even into my post-ivorce life dating. I know I'm not a pretty boy. I don't worry about that. And somebody once asked me to describe myself, I said, listen, I'm rough around the edges, but you're always going to know what you get with me. like own every aspect of who you are and what you are or you are going to be

miserable. is, but you're always going to know what you get with me, you know, and like own every

aspect of who you are and what you are, or you are going to be miserable. I'll say that again, only by admitting what we are and who we are, can we truly get what we want or need, right? So whether that means you need to embrace your weirdness, you need to embrace, you know, a different version of yourself that you keep suppressed because you're not sure if other people will judge you

no matter what the quirks and all that, you need to be willing to double down on who you actually are because even though, right, there's plenty of people in this world like us, there is nobody that is truly you and that sounds cheesy and that's corny and what happy but the older you get, the more you realize it's true. Many people are not happy even in the highest paying jobs

and they've got all these accolades

because they're really not able to be themselves. and what have you, but the older you get, the more you realize it's true. Many people are not happy even in the highest paying jobs

and they've got all these accolades

because they're really not able to be themselves. They're not able to be themselves and they're constantly asked to suppress aspects of their personality. And I'm not talking about in terms of like, you know, overall professionalism. It doesn't mean you just get to show up how you want wherever you want, But you know what I mean?

You can't, you can't hide these things away.

And you can't forget what you are.

I love that quote from, I think it was Tyrion Lannister in Game of Thrones where he said, never forget what you are. For surely the world will not make it your strength, then it can never be your weakness armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you. I can't wait until certain people on the internet who never read my current book, the anti-hero advantage, you're like, oh, this is this, and this is that, and this, I'm gonna be like, aha, like just bring it. You know what I mean? Oh, he didn't do this. I used to worry about that stuff. Now I'm like, hey, it's all good. You know, say what you want, do what you want. Like tell me my book's not perfect, tell me this isn't for you, that's great,

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