E215: Mismatched Sex Drive Types: The #1 Reason Couples Struggle With Desire

Pillow Talks

Vanessa & Xander Marin

Sexuality, Health & Fitness

4.8 • 2.6K Ratings

🗓️ 3 July 2025

⏱️ 52 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

Does it ever feel like you and your partner are just never on the same page when it comes to sex? One of you wants it more often. One of you needs things to be just right. One of you initiates. One of you never does. It can feel frustrating, confusing, and even a little bit lonely. But there’s a good chance the issue isn’t actually about how much you want sex… it’s about how you want sex. In today’s episode, we’re breaking down one of the most important tools we’ve ever shared: the two sex drive types. If you’ve ever felt like your desire is broken—or that your partner just doesn’t “get” you—this conversation is about to change everything. 💛 Here’s what we’re covering: The real difference between mental desire and physical arousal What it means to be a Spontaneous vs. Responsive type Why you’re not low desire… you just need a different kind of start How to navigate mismatched sex drives without resentment Why your type has nothing to do with gender (but the stats may surprise you) How to initiate sex in a way that works for both of you You’ll also hear a game-changing mindset shift that can help you stop taking it personally—and start working with your differences instead of against them. Links & Resources ✨ Join us inside Deeper to access the brand new Sensual Touch Challenge and finally understand what turns you (and your partner) on → https://vmtherapy.com/touch ✨ What’s your sex drive type?→ https://free.vmtherapy.com/sex-drive-type 🎧 Stay connected: 📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns. Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods! ================================= THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ================================= 👏 Thanks Dipsea. Get a 30 day free trial PLUS 25% off your annual subscription ➡︎ https://dipseastories.com/pillow 👏Thanks Chewy. Take advantage of amazing holiday savings and shop your personal favorites. Get 20% off your first order ➡︎ https://chewy.com/pillows 👏Thanks Beam. Get up to 40% off for a limited time ➡︎ https://shopbeam.com/PILLOW 👏 Thanks Cash App. For a limited time only, new Cash App users can use our exclusive code to earn some additional cash. For real - there's no catch. Just download Cash App & sign up! Use our exclusive referral code PILLOW in your profile, send $5 to a friend within 14-days, and you'll get $10 dropped right into your account. Terms apply. That's Money. That's Cash App. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Transcript

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0:00.0	So the first sex drive type is spontaneous, and that's where you feel mental desire first,
0:05.5	then physical arousal second. The second sex drive type is responsive, and it's the exact opposite.
0:11.7	You feel physical arousal first, then the mental desire second.
0:25.2	Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast.
0:28.1	We're your host, Vanessa, and Zander Marin.
0:31.1	I'm a sex therapist with over 20 years of experience.
0:32.7	And I'm just a regular dude.
0:35.0	We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step-by-step techniques for improving
0:37.8	yours. Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips,
0:43.4	practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind
0:48.7	closed bedroom doors and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had.
0:55.0	Does it feel like you and your partner are never on the same page when it comes to sex?
1:02.0	If so, you are definitely not alone. So today we are going to be sharing with you some of the most
1:09.0	life-changing, game-changing information that
1:12.3	we've maybe ever shared. And this is the two sex drive types. Yeah, I wish this was
1:19.2	information that was shared with me as a teenager. I wish it was shared with me when I was in
1:24.3	college. I wish it was shared with me. At the beginning of our relationship, we didn't even know this. Yeah, when I first started dating anyone, let alone you. And yeah,
1:33.2	I wish this wasn't something that I only discovered partway into our relationship when I was
1:39.1	already really feeling bad about myself for a lot of this stuff. Like I, I did myself a lot of damage for a lot of years.
1:47.0	And it took me a lot of years to undo that, even though you learn this stuff and you go,
1:52.0	oh, shoot, actually, maybe these beliefs I've had about myself are not entirely accurate.
1:58.0	It's one thing to have that realization.
	...

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