Guys. Happy New Year. Does anyone else's stomach rolls look like the Michelin Tireman's thighs?

You know, just a boob boob boob boob boob boob. Does anyone else literally feel like a

Pillsbury Doughboy and speaking of that, I have determined it is official. The Annie's

brand cinnamon rolls are way better than the Pillsbury ones. If you don't believe me,

and you should go try them for yourself.

They come in a purple can and they're phenomenal,

but I hope everyone is feeling fluffy, like I am,

because that's how we all should be.

If you're one of those people who stays in shape

all year long, then up you,

there should literally be a rule

that if you have sex in January,

like all lights should be off.

It should be pitch black.

We should all be wearing sunglasses,

like blindfold people, put bags on our heads,

like you should not be able to even see the look of horror

in my eyes as you fold me in half.

And my stomach goes from like a smooth surface

to a bowl of junky mashed potatoes.

Like I'm a confident bug in person,

but I'm also not blind.

...