Defensiveness vs Gaslighting - What's the Difference & How to Stop Both: Episode 362
EmPowered Couples with The Freemans
Aaron & Jocelyn Freeman
5.0 • 589 Ratings
🗓️ 24 September 2024
⏱️ 34 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
It's important for all of us to admit that we have defensive mechanisms and that we do get defensive with our partners at times. Let's allow ourselves some grace here. Many of you would probably relate to getting even more defensive about getting defensive! It is common to go on the offensive through deflection or blame, which can leave another feeling that their experience is being invalidated.
However that does not mean that someone is being gaslighted. Gaslighting is a much more serious pattern when it is happening, and is a strong accusation to make that can quickly escalate a conversation or conflict. In this episode you will hear the clear distinction between defensiveness and gaslighting so that you can use the terms properly and reduce escalation. By the end of the episode you will hear 6 different actions to take to reduce both defensiveness and gaslighting in your relations. Both of these lead to erosion of connection, love, and emotional closeness.
Relationship Resources:
Join one of the 30 Day Couples Challenges starting Oct 1st, 2024 - select either one with this link: https://www.meetthefreemans.com/challenges. Or see the individual details below:
Level 1 details: "Prioritizing Us" is focused on strengthening your connection, communication, and fun "Love Deposit" ideas. LINKED HERE
Level 2 details : "Rebuilding Us" is focused on repairing and rebuilding after a harder season of marriage. LINKED HERE
Transcript
Click on a timestamp to play from that location
| 0:00.0 | Hello and welcome to the Empower Couples podcast. We're here you get modern, non-boring relationship |
| 0:05.8 | advice for you and your partner to communicate like pros, fight smarter, and stay on the same team |
| 0:10.9 | no matter the challenge that you face. I am one of your host, Erin Freeman. And I'm Jocelyn Freeman, |
| 0:14.9 | but you all just know us as the Freeman's. And this episode is defensiveness versus gaslighting. |
| 0:20.0 | What's the difference and how do we stop both of these? |
| 0:23.2 | This question actually came from a podcast listener listening to last week's episode. And we love it when you send us emails or DMs and letting us know what stood out from an episode, but also follow-up questions. |
| 0:34.9 | So keep sending them because we love them. And we're going to make |
| 0:38.2 | this very clear how to distinguish both of these in a relationship and what to do instead of |
| 0:45.8 | getting caught up in this quote unquote like therapy speak, which can easily escalate things |
| 0:51.7 | in a conversation. Because here's a thing, right? If we are building a |
| 0:56.6 | life with someone, we live together or around each other, we have a lot of responsibilities, |
| 1:01.6 | there are going to be times when you're communicating where you don't feel united, you |
| 1:08.0 | aren't feeling understood. And we need to be able to keep those conversations |
| 1:12.3 | productive. And both of these, both defensiveness and gaslighting, they create disconnection. They |
| 1:18.7 | can even create wounds in a relationship that feel really difficult to heal. And so we need to |
| 1:27.0 | realize that both of these are counterproductive to heal. And so we need to realize that both of these are counterproductive to communication |
| 1:31.8 | and to connection. But we also all have protective mechanisms, right? Both of these fall under |
| 1:39.2 | protective. And we're going to, there's there are different levels for sure. But we need to |
| 1:43.6 | realize that in this intimate relationship, we want to create security and |
| 1:48.1 | safety to, so that we don't feel like we have to protect ourselves emotionally against our partner. |
| 1:55.2 | In our experience, and I want to start with this kind of context. Little one-off events we call blips. |
| 2:05.2 | And it's a way to what we also call bounce back more quickly from tensions, from upsets, |
... |
Please login to see the full transcript.
Disclaimer: The podcast and artwork embedded on this page are from Aaron & Jocelyn Freeman, and are the property of its owner and not affiliated with or endorsed by Tapesearch.
Generated transcripts are the property of Aaron & Jocelyn Freeman and are distributed freely under the Fair Use doctrine. Transcripts generated by Tapesearch are not guaranteed to be accurate.
Copyright © Tapesearch 2026.