Does the word accident feel like the right word?

No, it doesn't, but that's what I say to people who don't, you know,

if they have any kind of inkling or, like I said, I don't talk about it.

Why doesn't the word accident feel right to you?

Because in my head, it shouldn't have happened.

I should have saw her.

I beat myself up, and I will beat myself up the rest of my life trying to figure it all out.

This is death, sex, and money.

The show from WNYC about the things we think about a lot and need to talk about more.

I'm an assail.

John Vargas is 56.

He lives in Chicago and works for a utility company there.

And I've worked for them for 34 years.

23 of them as a underground person.

I worked in manholes, splicing cables, lead cables.

And then I was a crew leader leading the crew. And then in 2007,

I took the foreman position. Nearly five years ago, one Saturday morning, towards the end of January,

he reported in for work.

I'd gotten the crews off that morning. It was going to be a very nice January. I say that because you give out a

message in the morning and the message was, hey, it's going to be a nice day, guys. We drive big

trucks. The guys drive big crew trucks, bucket trucks, whatever you want to call them, line trucks.

So you remind them, hey, it's going to be a nice day today. Unusual for January, people are going

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