This is a head-gum original.

Maybe this time, for the first time, the axe won't go in my face.

It came at me fast, lodged in my face, was the axe.

Won't miss the target anymore like the last time in the time before.

Everybody loves so winter, so nobody loved me.

Alfie Axis, Bartwell Axis, that's what they called me.

That was from Nolan Murphy, he says, the king is back.

This was the end of January, so he says, I'm Nolan, I'm sort of in charge around these parts.

We've met in person.

I thought it was going to be about maybe this time, the host will go away.

What's been twisting you lately?

No, this is something I'm nervous to even say it because not because I'm worried about how the audience will respond, but I know how you're going to respond.

So I was playing squash the other day and I took a tumble on Sunday, I fell and I grazed my knee pretty bad.

I'm so sorry that it hurts.

If I hadn't said that I knew how you were going to respond, this is what you would have said.

No, Alfred, ever since you hit yourself in the face with the fucking axe, I'm nervous for your physical health.

Was that the entire story that you skinned your knee?

Yeah, okay, so this is exactly what I fucking thought you were going to do.

What else is new with you other than skinning?

I knew it.

I knew that you could resist the temptation, the littling me.

What's new with you?

...