Welcome to Tuesday's edition of Offair.

Thank you.

Good morning. Thank you.

Have you seen Malcolm the Cactus?

I have seen Malcolm the Cactus.

And Malcolm the Cactus is going to start something.

Would you like to read out the email, Jane? And then I'd like a full description of Malcolm's amazing stature.

It's from Sandra. Thank you, Sandra, because in a world of pain, we need levity. Sadly, I was not

able to contribute to rude veg a couple of months ago. That was a long-running topic, which in fairness

brought us much joy. Let's just own it. But it just occurred to me that my cactus might be of

interest. He is called Malcolm. Now, I've known a couple of men called Malcolm. It's a great Scottish

name, isn't it? It is. Is there anything that they've got in common with Malcolm the

cactus? Well, I'm not in all fairness able to say, but let's just be honest about it. Malcolm

the cactus looks like a penis and a moderate to average set of testicles. Is that fair? It is very

fair. Malcolm is standing proud. You're certainly that,

yeah, although covered in what looks like combination of prickle and fur. So not all that erotic.

I mean, listen, there's a space and a place for everything. So there's so little that we can then say

about Malcolm without it just descending into utter, utter farce.

But my theory with Malcolm was that he'd been brushed up against

by quite a lot of cats in search of prickles.

I think so, yeah.

And therefore he's caught all of their fur.

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