Ladies and gentlemen, Greg Proofs

Oh, stand on guard for thee here, in the depths of the moist climbs of the city near the lake, Toronto, Ontario, right here in Fabulous, Canada, at the comedy bar on the third anniversary of this fine club here, ladies and gentlemen, it's the smartest men in the world, Proofcast once again, taking to the ether through the intense

moisture that is the atmosphere of Toronto. Very excellent to be back here. I want to thank everyone at the comedy bar for showing me such a good time. We've done improv this weekend. We've done stand up. Now the podcast and after this a sketch show at which I'm supposed to learn some lines. Exactly. I think Mr. Vodka will have something to say about that. This isn't my first time in Toronto. I've been here many times. I think the first time I was here was in, of course, by the way, when this is when this preparation

podcast is recording is, or this podcast, if you will, is the night of the graze cup. I don't think the match, have they started the match yet? No, once at eight o'clock or something? Who cares? Who cares? Wow. Wow, apathy. We are in a bigger band city. Hey, cynical jaded hipsters. Is there no room in your heart to take part in a national event that you don't have a dog in that fight? Wow.

Just the typical provincial rank order that I've come to expect from Canada. Blue Bombers fucked them. They're from Winnipeg, man. Wow. I went to the bookstore today and the woman went next. Blue Bombers fan in line, please. Oh, yeah. And you guys just mildly titto. Because you really don't care. Wow.

What's the, does Toronto have a team? What are you? The organ, or something? The organ, yes. If the, if the organ, or in it, would there be excitement? Or would you have the same custom? I didn't think so. Stupid question. Yeah. No. I think saying, Faw is the team you guys are rooting for. Is Bajolay are playing tonight?

Well, I was going to wish the teams luck and wish that Vancouver doesn't have a riot like they do after they lose every important match.

They had every reason to riot when they lost the Stanley Cup. I did test all sports teams from Boston. I think the only proper way when you lose

ignominiously to Boston, you should have won, is to burn your town to the ground and start over.

It's Boston. It's just an unsupportable me asm of guys named Doug and Ken. And they're teams. No way. Can I ever ever support them? I do like the blue bombers. I'm not, could anyone explain to me why Winnipeg's team is the blue bombers and not the rough riders like every other team in the Canadian football league? Why they the blue bombers? Is there some significance in that? No, no one even knows in this room. I might as well be asked.

Well, I'm asking a question of professional sports of a crowd that has spent the entire day reading graphic novels. I'm so getting that vibe here. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. My barking up the wrong tree. Well, okay. We wish both teams. Well, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Canadian football, much different than American football and so much as it's played here in the seasons over. I was here in 1992. Was it? We were playing it. It was called the Toronto Comedy Festival. Not the JFL one.

This was a different one. And I came up with a bunch of guys from San Francisco. And I remember going out to the island, right? Isn't there a little island? You take it about out to you, right? Toronto Island. I'm not asking for help every goddamn second. Okay. I'm going to do a lot of the heavy lifting you guys. I appreciate that. There's a little too much information coming from the crowd here. This isn't like Oprah. I'm not giving a car away. Although I will be recommending a book later that a good one. Now I'm joking. Of course, the Toronto Island.

I took the little ferry out, right? I was by myself. Although I was here with a bunch of other comedians. I thought, I'm going to go get lunch and we got the island. I was a beautiful sunny day. It was the summertime here. Not too much humidity because I've been here in the summer way. You sweat in the shower. And then, of course, in the wintertime here, they super heat every place you walk into so that you go from the biting-ass cold to where the sweat is freezing on your neck into what appears to be a womb. You walk into a place you're like, oh my god. You know, all of a sudden, I've got an umbilical cord stuck inside me and I'm taking nutrition.

My blood and just unbelievably warm and some of the rexals here. So I go out to Toronto Island. I take the boat out, right? And, you know, I'm just grooving on the vibes. I believe it was Gina Vannelli who said, just feel in the vibes of the oncoming day. And yeah, I'll be quoting Gina Vannelli throughout the night. We might get to a little April wine later. Yeah, I like to rock. And some like it hot, baby. I take the boats out to

Vancouver Island, which is a quite a journey from here, by the way. You should really never take that route. It's extraordinarily long. It's a very tiny boat as well. But so we dropped it to Toronto Island. I get off and I'm just walking along. And it must have been nesting season or something because it was a black bird. I think it was a starling. I'm not a big ornithologist. I'm not like James Audubon or whatever I don't. John, whatever his name was. Mr. Audubon. I don't recognize birds on sight. Penguins, yes. An ostrich I think I could make out.

Other birds sort of churn into one large bird for me. So I'm walking along and a bird fucking attacks me, right? Just, you know, and you know the terror of when you're being attacked by a bird, you feel like all I can think of is season plus shed in the movie. Just laying there with her eyes poked out, you know, and the kids singing that horrible drony song over and over again. And since everyone doesn't know what I'm talking about, it was a movie by Alfred Hitchcock called The Bird, which is a gentleman. Holy kittens, this show's gonna be long. Cheers.

Oh, soothing booze. And the bird is on my head pecking me, right? And I'm shrieking like a four-year-old. Just horrible. And waving, and of course, if a bird attacks you, I mean, I don't know anything about like when birds attack, but my guess is you should probably just grab it and like push it away from you and it would fuck off as my guess. But instead, I think everyone has the same reaction when a bird gets in their hair and just goes,

look at that. I literally just waved my hands in effectually. It's like when you see the old time horror movies where the person just stands and goes, no, no, no, instead of running, I had the option to run.

I could have run back the way I came, but no, I stood there and ran. So finally the bird leaves off and I skitter away and I go and I sit down on a bench and I smoke a big joint run. And I'm just looking at the lake and Toronto Lake.

And we're Toronto Islands located. And, you know, to the point where your floaters are just running mad, I don't know if anyone has floaters, but I have the crazy floaters, right?

So the world just looks like a big dish of paramecium. And really like you're looking through a microscope. It's just weird, unilating,

flagellating things going by with tiny eyes and them and whatnot. If you have floaters, it's awesome. It's like psychedelics, but all you have to do is drink a cup of coffee and look at the sky.

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