As our loved ones age, we face unexpected changes – especially when it comes to our relationships. As adult children care for their elderly parents, they might notice that things just aren’t the way they used to be. It can be tough to get used to personality changes, mobility and cognitive difficulties, and a changing dynamic in the relationship, as the child becomes the caregiver instead of the other way around.

 

While dealing with new health issues, delays, and even coming up with a care plan might seem like the most difficult problems you might face as your loved one gets older, there’s another issue that many families struggle to grapple with. That’s communication. You might find that communicating with your parent isn’t as easy as it used to be.

 

Communication struggles happen for a myriad of reasons. Many seniors face personality and mood changes as they get older – and you might find that their filter isn’t on as tight as it used to be. They might lash out more often, say hurtful things, or become more emotional than usual.

At the same time, if your loved one is facing mobility or cognitive issues – you might feel that your patience is being tested again and again. It can be tempting to tell your parent to “hurry up” when they’re getting ready for the day, or to do something for them (like button their shirt) if you just don’t feel like waiting for them to do it. A lack of patience, though, can cause serious trust issues with your parent as time goes on – so patience is a skill that must be learned and practiced, no matter how hard it might seem.

 

Finally, if your parent has been diagnosed with dementia, communication problems tend to be even greater. Not only will your parent have a hard time with language in the first place, but they will also be more susceptible to mood swings and other erratic behavior. You might find that you just don’t know how to talk with them like you used to.

 

That’s why on today’s episode, the focus is on communication. We’ll talk about how you can handle daily conversation with your aging loved one – from tips on being patient, to finding the effective words to gently get your point across when you need to. We’ll go into how to speak with a parent with mobility issues and cognitive issues, and we’ll discuss some tips for those harder conversations.

 

We know you already have so much on your plate – and communication struggles are the last thing you need to be facing right now. We hope that by the end of this episode, you’ll feel more confident and prepared in your conversations moving forward with your loved one. So, let’s get started.

 

As the roles are reversed and the adult child becomes the caregiver, communication difficulties can arise. It’s not surprising – it can be hard for a senior parent to accept help from their child, especially if they feel their independence is being threatened. At the same time, the adult child must learn how to communicate with their parent in a clear and gentle manner, without coming across too bossy or too lenient. It’s a tough middle ground to stand on.

 

On AgingCare.Com, writer Marlo Sollitto explains that, “caregiving can cause major changes in family dynamics. Physical, emotional, social, and financial issues can arise, affecting the roles, responsibilities, and feelings of each family member. Such widespread change to the family dynamic can lead to increased tension and frequent disagreements.”

 

While families are dealing with growing tensions and relationship changes in the household, they are also learning what it means to be a caregiver – and, often, they are mourning for the way life used to be. It’s hard enough to watch a beloved parent age – and when you add in the frustrations of day-to-day life with a senior, it can feel extremely overwhelming.

 

That’s why, to begin, we’re going to talk about how to effectively use communication to ease household tension and peacefully transition into the role of a trusted caregiver. The cardinal rule of senior care is listening. Many adult children are tempted to push their parents’ wants and needs aside, because they don’t believe that their parent knows what’s best. When we fail to listen to our parents, though, we are effectively destroying the trust in our relationship, and making our parent feel inadequate and isolated.

 

Remember, as our parents age, they are likely feeling scared and even sad. It’s hard to lose your sense of self and be uncertain about the future – and we owe it to our parents to let them hold onto their independence as long as possible, even if we don’t always agree with them.

 

There are many reasons adult children struggle to really listen to their parents. First and foremost, many adult children don’t feel that their parent can make their own decisions. Maybe they are suffering from medical problems and they really don’t have a choice about what care they must receive – or maybe they want to insist on driving even though it’s time for the driver’s license to go.

 

Whatever the reason, just because you don’t agree with your parent doesn’t mean you shouldn’t listen to them. Your parent needs to know that you are there for them – to support them and love them through these hard times. Even if they ultimately have to succumb to a new way of life, they will feel much better about it if their voice was heard then if you show up one day and take their car out of the driveway. At the end of the day, this is your parents’ life – so they should be part of those big decisions and have a voice.

 

 Adult children can also struggle with listening due to impatience. Believe me, I get it. It’s tempting to fill in those long silences or to try to hurry a conversation if it doesn’t seem to be leading anywhere. If our parents are struggling with language or talking, we can become so desperate to hear their voice that we bombard them with questions before we really wait to hear the answers.

 

Instead of interrupting, try really listening. Let those long pauses sit in the room – because your parent might be thinking about what to say and need time to come up with the right words. Don’t fill silence with more questions, because this can cause your loved one to feel confused and overwhelmed.

 

If your loved one is struggling to keep up with conversation – keep the conversation simple. Ask “yes” or “no” questions that are easy to understand but can keep your parent engaged. Keep the conversation interesting and meaningful, if you can. For instance, ask your parent easy “yes” or “no” memory questions. For example, “Mom, do you remember dancing at my wedding?” Memory questions can help seniors feel like they are included and really socializing, while reminding them of happier times that might put them in a sentimental mood.

 

If long term memory questions are too difficult, try asking simple questions about their day. “Did you have eggs for breakfast?” or “did you go on a walk today?” can ignite conversation and keep your parent thinking – just remember to really listen to their answer, even if you already know what it is. Your parent can tell when you’re disengaged, and they’ll be less likely to participate in the conversation if they think you don’t really care.

 

Along those lines, try your hardest not to be condescending or to speak down to your parent. Remember – they are an adult who has lived a full life, had a career, raised children – they are not infants who need to be coddled. If you find yourself shouting because you worry, they can’t hear you, or speaking in super slowed down sentences, your parent might feel like she’s being mocked or belittled. Treat them like adults, with respect and without a patronizing tone. Your parent does not want to feel like a child, so do your best not to make them feel like one.

 

Because conversation can be so difficult, try not to overstimulate your parent. If the TV or radio is on, it can be a lot harder for your parent to focus on the conversation or even hear what you are trying to say. Make sure that when you’re ready to talk about something, you’re talking in a quiet and peaceful environment, where your parent can feel relaxed and really listen to you. If you’re in a group setting, make sure your loved one is included in the conversation and isn’t being pushed to the side. At a restaurant, for instance, seat your parent in the middle of the table where she can feel included, instead of on the end where she might be ignored. Even if your parent isn’t able to participate in the group conversation, being seated in the middle will allow her to feel like she’s part of it.

 

Regular day-to-day conversation can be hard to manage with any aging parent, but mobility and cognitive issues can add a new level to the challenge. If your parent has mobility issues, you might find that you become easy aggravated or impatient with them. It can be hard to remember that mobility issues can also make it hard to speak or communicate – for some seniors, talking can be physically painful.

 

It’s crucial to keep in mind that your parent is trying their best – and when you make them feel rushed or interrupt them, that can seriously hurt their feelings and your relationship.

 

Imagine that you are your parent. It’s hard enough to be in pain throughout the day, to be uncertain about the future, and to struggle with basic tasks that used to come easily. If your child is making you feel rushed and inadequate on top of it, that can feel like a huge blow.

 

Your loved one needs to know that they are supported – especially by their children and caregivers. Instead of telling your parent to “hurry up,” tell them to “take their time.”

 

If you are getting ready to leave for an appointment, it’s up to you to make sure your parent has enough time to get ready. If you know that your parent is going to need an hour, then you don’t want to give them thirty minutes and expect everything to go well.

 

If you start early enough, you are actually allowing your parent to hold onto a sense of independence. When your parent buttons a shirt by himself or brushes her hair all on her own, that feels like an accomplishment – and the value of that should not be taken away from your parent. By allowing extra time, you are also giving yourself a chance to breath and not feel so hurried. It should make a more peaceful morning for everyone.

 

If you really are running late and need to dress your parent yourself or help them with something that there simply isn’t time for, don’t allow your parent to feel useless or hopeless. Give them something to do while you tie their shoe or zip up their jacket – even if it’s not really necessary.

 

For example, you could ask your parent to fold a shirt or wash their hands while you get them ready. That way, they feel like they are still holding onto their sense of independence and you’re just working together to get out the door – not like you’ve taken the reigns completely.

 

At the same time, provide your parent with reassurance every chance you get. If they do the dishes, tell them what a great job they did (even if you need to secretly re-do them later). Encourage them even when they are taking longer than usual. Be their cheerleader. Seniors can suffer from depression at a higher rate than other parts of the population, and any positive reinforcement they can get from their loved ones will help them to stay motivated and happier.

 

Now, if your loved one is suffering from dementia or another cognitive issue, communication can be especially difficult. It can be extremely painful to watch your parent become delayed and lose their abilities – and with dementia, they might not seem recognizable at all anymore.

 

You might feel like communication is simply impossible. Maybe your parent is having terrible mood swings, has lost their filter, or just simply won’t speak at all anymore. This can be heart wrenching to face, but I can assure you that there is hope. With the right tools, you can continue to have a meaningful and rewarding relationship with your parent after a dementia diagnosis.

 

The first thing to keep in mind is that your parents’ communication struggles are not their fault. Dementia patients struggle with cognition, conversation, memory, focus, language, perception, and problem solving. That makes even exchanging simple dialogue a steep mountain to climb. So, if you feel yourself getting impatient or frustrated, try to keep in mind that your parents’ behavior isn’t on purpose. I know that’s easier said than done, but patience and support is what your parent needs more than anything else.

 

In fact, a loving and supportive environment can actually positively impact your parents’ journey with dementia. The rate of decline can occur faster in patients who feel isolated and depressed. Dementia patients who feel encouraged, supported, and cared for generally decline at a slower rate.

 

There are few key communication elements to keep in mind when interacting with a parent with dementia. First of all, it’s important to speak in a clear and simple manner with a soft and gentle tone. If you sound panicked or angry, your loved one can become panicked and angry. Similarly, if you speak in a calm manner, your loved one is more likely to match your tone.

 

Body language can be an excellent communication tool to use with dementia patients. Because it can be harder for people with dementia to understand what you’re saying, it’s important to give cues that can help them. Make an eating gesture to ask if your parent is hungry or tell them it’s time for dinner, for example. You can make a hug gesture across your chest to indicate “I love you.”

 

On that note, nonverbal cues in general are a great way to make communication work. Try maintaining eye contact throughout the conversation, so your loved one knows to listen. You can use touch to keep your loved one closer in conversation – hold their hands or shoulders and sit quietly with them if the conversation itself becomes too much. At the end of the day, the most important thing is that you’re there – even if you aren’t conversing.

 

Music is another excellent communication tool for dementia patients. Singing favorite tunes can actually bring back memories for patients – and studies have found that singing and dancing can actually make a dementia patient “come alive” again. If you want to communicate joy and togetherness, music can be a great way to do just that. Just make sure it’s music that you know your loved one likes and is easy to listen to – loud and unfamiliar music can cause stress and confusion.

 

Whether or not your loved one has dementia, you might have noticed that they’re facing personality changes and mood swings. While this is a more common tendency in dementia patients, there are many other reasons an older adult might lose their steam or become impatient more quickly. For one thing, many older adults are facing physical struggles that can translate into their emotions.

 

Think about it – if your body is in pain or not functioning properly, you probably won’t be in the best mood, right? Now, imagine if that pain meant that life as you know it is going to change, and that your independence is being threatened. I think that’s enough to put anyone in a sour mood, at least for a little while. 

 

But what do you do when the mood swings just become too much? When you’re struggling to know whether your parent is saying hurtful words because of their disease, or if they really mean them? When you’re in a public place and your mother or father is having a meltdown over something seemingly small?

 

Emotional and personality changes can be extremely difficult to deal with – on an emotional level, and a physical one. If you’re a caregiver, you need to learn how to balance your own feelings with making sure your parent is staying safe and under control. This isn’t easy to accomplish, by any means.

 

Still, there are ways to make even the most troublesome moments a little bit easier. It’s all about toning the situation down.

 

In most situations, the best thing you can do is remain calm and support your parent – instead of arguing back. If your loved one has dementia and is facing a hallucination, for instance, it can be a lot more effective to go along with it. If your loved one claims that there is a man in the room who isn’t, instead of telling your loved one that no one is there, try to distract from the situation. When you shut it down completely, you leave your loved one feeling invalidated and even more confused – which can lead to a total meltdown.

 

Instead of saying, “mom, there’s no one in the room, you’re seeing things,” try to distract from the situation while offering your validation. Say something like, “Oh, he looks like a nice visitor. Now, would you rather have chicken or turkey for dinner?” Distracting from the situation can pull your parent away from the hallucination and get them focused on something else – without escalating the situation further.

 

The same tactic can be used if your parent is saying hurtful things that are out of their character. Instead of fighting back or defending yourself, simply try to move the conversation to another place. When you get defensive or angry, your parent is more likely to react in an extreme way. I know it’s hard to take the bad days and the bad moods but use your time away from your parent to reflect and vent and take care of yourself, instead of escalating the situation while you’re in it.

 

Communicating with our aging parents can be surprisingly difficult – but if we approach each conversation with patience, empathy, understanding, and love, it can be much easier. Avoid condescending tones, make eye contact, and use physical touch and hand gestures to get a point across clearly. Above all, listen to your loved one when they have something to say – and don’t rush them as they try to say it.

 

We’ve found that the more love and patience we can bring into the conversation, the more rewarding conversations we’ll have. At the end of the day, it’s all about letting our loved ones feel safe and supported, so that we can feel that way, too.

 

We want to thank you for joining us here at All Home Care Matters, All Home Care Matters is here for you and to help families as they navigate long-term care issues. Please visit us at allhomecarematters.com there is a private secure fillable form there where you can give us feedback, show ideas, or if you have questions. Every form is read and responded to. If you know someone who could benefit from this episode please share it with them.

 

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https://www.agingcare.com/articles/communication-techniques-to-deal-with-elderly-parents-138454.htm

 

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https://bluemoonseniorcounseling.com/7-tips-for-communicating-with-seniors/

 

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https://www.agingcare.com/articles/how-to-handle-an-elderly-parents-bad-behavior-138673.htm

 

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https://training.mmlearn.org/blog/how-to-talk-to-someone-with-dementia-alzheimers-or-memory-loss

 

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https://www.rgcmgmt.com/blog/post/10-tips-for-successful-communication-with-loved-ones-with-dementia