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Cell phones. I can quit anytime I choose.

I'm not addicted.

I can stop playing with my phone whenever I please.

In fact, I'm putting it down right now, just after I check my email.

Okay, I'm setting it down for real this time.

Just one second.

Anyway, the thing is, I like smartphones.

They have made me into the vegetable that I am.

I used to be a boring idiot, but now I'm a boring idiot who can't make eye contact.

My wife notices my minor problem.

For instance, when eating supper, I often play Fruit Ninja,

while she explains exactly how she'll divorce me if I don't put down my phone.

To which I'll respond.

No, sweetie, those pants don't make your butt look big.

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