The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world!

Lockdown, date 2,973. Britain is now one long queue with 70 million people, shuffling

around 2 meters apart, with no one can remember what they're queuing for anymore. Europe has

swapped with South America, and the Italian rebel stronghold in the Northern Andes is

threatening the Danish capital of Lima, whilst Bulgaria is swanning around on Copacabana

beach in its skimpy underpants. Bolivia is reveling in its new array of coastlines and

islands whilst Greece is convincing itself that being langlocked is OK once you get used

to it. In America, Emperor Trump and his feared stormtroopers have brutally repressed dissenting

voices, leaving a population of only 8,000 deliriously ecstatic lunatics and Fox News. Canada,

now home to over half a billion people, has accelerated its global warming scheme to make

Baffin Island perfectly habitable. New Zealand has invaded Norway and vice versa just to give

themselves something to do, and in South London, and his Alzheimer's is still self-isolating

in a wheelie bin, podcasting to himself 24-7-365, living off the sweet nutrition of his own

lies. Oh, sorry, sorry, I'll keep having these awful flash forwards. I think it's pre-traumatic

stress. Hello, where are we? Yes, it's the bugle issue 4,149. I'm Andy Zoltzman, and

it is the 17th of April 2020, as has so seldom been the case in history, and I'm coming to

you live from the shed, joining me, not from sheds in London, Tiffany Stevenson and from

San Francisco, NATO green. Hello, both of you. Hello. Hey, everybody. NATO, how's things

on the west coast? Great, fantastic. I mean, look, I don't know, that's what I'm telling

myself. I haven't left my house in six weeks. I've been more than half a block away, so

who knows what's happening outside of my neighbor? At this point, I am shaving my own head

with a beard trimmer. Outside of my neighborhood, it could be a full-on Mad Max Hellscape or

...