This is The Outside Podcast with Paddyo.

Howdy folks, Paddyo here with a special treat.

We're going to be sharing some of our favorite feature stories from Outside Magazine and

outside online every Saturday.

We call these our long reads. And they're the kind of eye-opening, sometimes heart-pounding,

always inspiring you to go outside storytelling. Outside has done for decades. Think of it as a

weekend couch read type thing, but one you can do with your eyes closed. These stories

are made possible, first and foremost, by the intrepid reporting and deft phrase turning of

our ace writers, and second, by wild advances in text to audio technology. I bet you won't even

notice that you're listening to a robot. If your favorite way to read is with your ears, I encourage you to join Outside Plus.

It gives you unlimited access to everything in the outside network, including more audio

stories from outside, backpacker, climbing, ski, and more.

Plus mapping apps like Trail Forks, Gaia GPS, and Map My Fitness. And for our podcast, ski, and more, plus mapping apps like Trail Forks, Gaia GPS, and map My Fitness.

And for our podcast listeners, we have a special offer for 25% off.

Head to outside.watch slash listen to learn more.

Today's story comes from one of the funniest writers to ever emerge from the internet. Drew McGarry.

Drew's better known for gut-busting commentary on mainstream sports and ninja star sharp

cultural observations than writing on the outdoors, which is precisely why we asked him to

join the summertime throng at Yellowstone and report back.

This is not service journalism, or rather this is anti-service journalism.

We sent Drew to show us the park from the perspective of the average American tourist.

And as you've probably heard, the average American tourist at Yellowstone has done a lot of falling into geysers

...