Now it's time for real time 2.0.

Your task to listen in behind the scenes to the real time monologue jokes America didn't

hear.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you ladies and gentlemen. I think people are happy because you're realizing that

you will never again have to live through Donald Trump's first 100 days.

Yes, I am very aware that it's the 100 day mark just from the notches in the wall in my

panic room. I don't have a panic room.

I am building a bombshelper which if he's impeached can be converted to a wine cellar.

But 100 days it's so interesting isn't it going from the most respected country in the

world to the country that goes to work every morning with its fly open?

If you want to go by the numbers for the first 100 days he signed 23 executive orders.

He's fired 59 Tomahawk missiles, played 19 rounds of golf and gone through 147 cans of final net

hairspray.

And he said I'm not making this a tweeted he's gotten more done than any other president.

I got way more Twitter followers than Abe Lincoln.

He mental illness is sad ladies and gentlemen and we've become used to it.

He was talking yesterday about the speech he gave to Congress a couple of months ago.

I guess it was like the state of the union and lots of people were like oh he became president that day.

Oh fuck you.

But here's what Trump said the other day about that speech.

...