Big Kids, Bigger Feelings: Navigating Defiance, Meltdowns, and Anxiety to Raise Confident, Connected Kids

The PedsDocTalk Podcast: Child Health, Development & Parenting—From a Pediatrician Mom

Dr. Mona Amin

Medicine, Kids & Family, Health & Fitness, Parenting

4.9 • 1.5K Ratings

🗓️ 17 September 2025

⏱️ 53 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

Big kids mean big feelings and sometimes that shows up as defiance, meltdowns, or even anxiety. In this episode, I’m breaking down what’s really going on beneath the surface and why it’s not just “bad behavior.” We often think school-aged is cruising with emotions but big feelings are common. I’m joined by returning guest Alyssa Campbell, a child development expert, to provide the right tools for when emotions can feel overwhelming. We’ll talk about how age bias often shapes the way adults respond to older kids’ emotions, why yelling or punishment backfires, and how collaborative emotional processing can help kids feel understood while still respecting boundaries. You’ll learn: Why defiance is often a sign of unmet needs, not disrespect The role of age bias in how we label behavior in older vs. younger kids How collaborative emotional processing helps kids regulate big emotions Practical, evidence-based ways to respond to meltdowns, worry, and pushback using her “F.A.C.T.S.” method How to raise kids who feel both confident and connected To connect with Alyssa Campbel check out all her resources at https://www.seedandsew.org/about. Follow her on Instagram at @seed.and.sew. Buy her new book “Big Kids, Bigger Feelings” here: https://www.harpercollins.com/products/big-kids-bigger-feelings-alyssa-blask-campbellrachel-stuart-lounder?variant=43408468377634 We’d like to know who is listening! Please fill out our Listener Survey to help us improve the show and learn about you! 00:00 – The “Easy Years” Myth01:16 – Why 5–12 Isn’t Smooth Sailing02:38 – Meet Alyssa Blas Campbell03:11 – Parents Feel Blindsided05:28 – Big Kid Development Shifts07:25 – What Big Meltdowns Look Like09:12 – Do We Expect Too Much?11:04 – 9 Senses & Nervous System15:23 – Different Kids, Different Needs18:08 – Handling Defiance With Compassion22:53 – Sibling Differences in Regulation25:48 – The F.A.C.T.S. Acronym31:29 – Amusement Park Example34:53 – Why Age Bias Misleads Us38:18 – The S.I.P. Method Explained42:12 – Rethinking Respect & Defiance44:40 – Parenting Is a Relationship46:22 – Closing Thoughts & Resources Our podcasts are also now on YouTube. If you prefer a video podcast with closed captioning, check us out there and ⁠subscribe to PedsDocTalk⁠. Get trusted pediatric advice, relatable parenting insights, and evidence-based tips delivered straight to your inbox—join thousands of parents who rely on the PDT newsletter to stay informed, supported, and confident. ⁠⁠⁠⁠Join the newsletter⁠⁠⁠⁠! And don’t forget to follow ⁠⁠⁠⁠@pedsdoctalkpodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠ on Instagram—our new space just for parents looking for real talk and real support. We love the sponsors that make this show possible! You can always find all the special deals and codes for all our current sponsors on the ⁠PedsDocTalk Podcast Sponsorships⁠ page of the website. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Transcript

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0:00.0	Totally. Well, I think we're kind of sold this myth that the early years are so taxing. They're so physical. They're so
0:05.6	exhausting. And then the teenage years are so emotionally exhausting. And we have this myth that there's this
0:11.1	like cruise period from five to 12 where you're just hanging out and they're chill. And that's not true.
0:16.7	They're still humans with a nervous system. And what we really start to see shift in this age
0:20.5	range is that they're moving into more interdependence or independence. That belonging and
0:28.5	inclusion and social engagement really starts to skyrocket where they start to see themselves
0:34.4	outside of their family unit. They start to really look to peer groups
0:38.8	and see, how do I fit in here or where do I fit in or how do I show up in these different spaces?
0:43.7	And what does that mean? What does it mean for me? What does it mean for how people treat me? All that
0:48.5	jazz.
1:00.8	Welcome back to the Pete's Doc Talk podcast. It's me, Dr. Mona, your pediatrician and online mom friend.
1:12.0	Here's the thing. Parents often brace themselves for the early years, diapers, bottles, sleep deprivation, and then again for the teenage years with hormones and high school drama. But those school-age kids age 5 to 12, many parents think that it's smooth sailing. Yes, you may not be nursing at 2 a.m.
1:18.8	or dealing with potty training anymore, but these years are far from always easy. What parents
1:23.6	don't always realize is that emotions are still shifting in a big way. The stakes get higher
1:28.3	with academic demands, learning to read, testing, homework, and constant feedback at school.
1:33.4	Add in the growing weight of social interaction and peer perception, who's included, who's left
1:38.0	out, what it feels like to belong, and you get kids who are still learning how to regulate,
1:42.4	but in more subtle, often misunderstood ways.
1:44.9	As a mom to a six-year-old, I can tell you, if I didn't know child development, I would have
1:49.6	been blindsided. So many parents tell me that they wish someone had prepared them for these middle
1:53.9	years, because people rarely talk about what happens between early childhood and adolescence.
1:59.8	That's why I'm thrilled to be joined again by
	...

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