Behavior is a smoke alarm

My New Life

Kate Garlinge

Loveverytoddler, Toddlerplay, Toddlereducation, Playtolearn, Smartbaby, Babymilestones, Toddleractivities, Loveverybaby, Babyeducation, Strongtoddler, Toddlermilestones, Toddlersubscriptionbox, Toddlertoys, Earlylearningprogram, Babydevelopment, Sustainabletoys, Learningtoys, Learningthroughplay, Strongbaby, Babysubscriptionbox, Educationaltoys, Playkits, Parenting, Babytoys, Playtime, Toddlerdevelopment, Babyactivities, Smarttoddler, Lovevery, Kids & Family, Babyplay

4.7 • 654 Ratings

🗓️ 16 October 2023

⏱️ 32 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

There are lots of parenting experts talking about choosing connection over discipline, but today’s guest on My New Life has a fresh take on limit-setting: She compares bad behavior to a smoke alarm going off. Punishment is like taking a hose and pointing it at the alarm. If the pressure is great enough, the alarm will stop. But we still don’t know why it went off in the first place. We need to find the fire!

Obstetric Social Worker and Parent Educator Genevieve Muir joins Host Jessica Rolph to provide tips on finding the origin of these emotional flare ups. You can find Gen @connectedparentingau.

Takeaways:

Gen reminds us that you need to name it to tame it. There’s no modifying challenging behavior without figuring out the root cause.
No matter what the behavior, children are never choosing to get it wrong. If they’re acting out, chances are good they need more connection with you. They are seeking that connection 24 hours a day, and they will seek it any way they can.
If your child’s not okay, they probably don’t want us to fix it or solve it or make it better. They actually just want us to acknowledge their struggle: “You’re really not happy about the Nutella, huh?” It’s as simple as that. Or, for an older child, you can dig a bit deeper: “I can see you’re really struggling with this Nutella and I’m wondering if you’re a little bit nervous about going to a new camp today? That can feel scary.”
Gen likes the phrase “I won’t let you hit” rather than something like “in this family, we don’t hit”. Not only does it clearly communicate to the child that they have crossed a boundary, it reminds you that your role is now to step in and keep everybody safe. She says setting boundaries with toddlers is most effective with a calm, but very much in control, physical presence.
Remember, one-on-one time can go a long way toward diffusing sibling conflict. Rivalries generally stem from a child feeling like they aren’t getting enough of your attention.

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Brought to you by Lovevery.com

Find Gen Muir @connectedparentingau

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Transcript

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0:00.0	Welcome to My New Life, a Love Every podcast.
0:11.2	I'm your host, Jessica Rolf.
0:13.5	We talk a lot about connected parenting at Love Every.
0:16.7	Australian experts are ahead of the curve when it comes to building strong parent-child
0:21.3	relationships. In this mini-series, I'll speak with Australian parent educators, psychologists,
0:27.5	and pediatricians about setting, loving limits. There are lots of parenting experts talking about choosing connection over discipline.
0:40.4	But today's guest shared one of the best analogies I've heard around limit setting.
0:45.2	She compares bad behavior to a smoke alarm going off.
0:48.8	Punishment is like taking a hose and pointing it at the alarm.
0:52.9	If the pressure is great enough, the alarm will stop,
0:55.4	but we still don't know why it went off in the first place. We need to find the fire. Here to help
1:02.1	us get better at finding the origin of these emotional flare-ups is Genevieve Newer, obstetric
1:07.5	social worker, parent educator, and mom to four boys. Welcome, Jen. Thank you so much for having me.
1:14.7	I'm excited to be here. Why is it so important to understand the root cause of our child's
1:20.2	challenging behavior? You know, if we put it really simply, the reason we need to find that root
1:25.2	cause is that otherwise the behavior is going to happen again and again and again. So essentially, what we know is that need need to find that root cause is that otherwise the behaviour is going to happen
1:27.6	again and again and again. So essentially what we know is that you need to name it to tame it.
1:33.5	And children never choose to muck up and they never choose to be the bad kid, whether it's
1:38.9	windy or whining, whether it's hitting siblings, whether it's meltdowns or tantrums. Kids are
1:43.9	never choosing to get it
1:45.5	wrong. They really do want to get it right. And I think we can lose sight of that sometimes.
1:50.1	And when we do, we think, well, they're just mucking up. Why are they doing this to me?
	...

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