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Factually! with Adam Conover

Ballet isn't dead, movies are.

Factually! with Adam Conover

Headgum

Comedy

4.62.3K Ratings

🗓️ 13 March 2026

⏱️ 15 minutes

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

(In addition to your weekly Factually! episode, this week we're bringing you a monologue from Adam. This short, researched monologue originally aired on the Factually! YouTube page, but we are sharing audio versions of these monologues with our podcast audience as well. Please enjoy, and stay tuned for your regularly scheduled episode of Factually!)

Timothee Chalamet needs to be looking at his own industry.

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Transcript

Click on a timestamp to play from that location

0:00.0

This is a Headgum podcast.

0:05.3

So it's the Oscars this weekend, and the closest thing we have to a living movie star under 40, Timothy Shalame, has a major nomination for his role as ping pong and prodigy Marty Supreme.

0:16.0

But instead of talking about what a brave, special, important, groundbreaking actor he is for refusing a butt double, We're all talking about how Timmy put his teeny tiny foot in his miniature mouth. And I don't want to be working in ballet or opera or, you know, things where it's like, hey, keep this thing alive, even though no one cares about this anymore. Now look, I love making fun of Timmy Chowls just as much as the next guy. He did a movie about ping pong where his ass gets slapped by a ping pong paddle,

0:40.3

and his little butt is so tiny, it's like two little ping pong balls. He is begging to be made fun of. I mean, his whole body of work is funny to me. Dune, too? More like Dune a little too much, if you know what I mean. I don't really know what I mean, but I can't get that phrase out of my head, and I stand by it, and I promise I won't cut this joke in posts.

0:55.7

Now look, Timothy, Timotei? I'm gonna be honest. I actually don't know how to pronounce his name. Like when people say, Timothy, is that the real pronunciation or is that like when your mom calls Target Targe? It's whatever you'd like. You could say Doug, Alex, Rick, whatever works. Okay, Doug, you're just wrong about opera and ballet.

1:13.6

Both art forms are alive and well with millions of fans around the world, including me.

1:18.6

I'm actually personally an opera fan.

1:20.6

I love the beautiful music, the enormous spectacle,

1:23.6

and because that's where I plan to meet and seduce a wealthy widow who will write me into her will.

1:28.3

Guess what, Timote A. You know what's really on life support? The movies. That's right,

1:33.3

your business. Movie ticket sales, measured and tickets sold have only recovered about half of

1:38.3

their former glory since the pandemic. And worse, formerly successful studios like Warner

1:43.3

Brothers are now being sold for parts to the highest bidder.

1:47.0

And in this case, that bidder is the right-wing fail son of a tech billionaire who bought another movie studio with Daddy's money.

1:53.0

I mean, David Ellison wishes he were Kendall Roy. At least Kendall could rap.

1:57.0

The merger between Warner Brothers and Paramount threatens to kill the movie

2:02.0

industry deader than Ziegfried and Brunhilde at the end of Act 3 of Gertadammerung.

2:07.7

That means very dead, you Philistines, but like the Mortal Realm after Ragnarok, there is still

2:12.9

a chance for the movies to one day be reborn. And in this video, I'll tell you why, but first, real quick, to support the channel head to patreon.com slash Adam Conover. And hey, if you really like sitting in a dark room and watching something fun, come see me on the road. On March 20th and 21st, I'll be in Hartford, Connecticut, April 2nd through 4th in Sacramento at the Punch Line Comedy Club, April 10th through 12th in La Jolla, California at the Comedy Store,

2:35.7

and I will be taping my new special April 18th at the Den Theater in Chicago, Illinois.

2:41.6

Don't miss it then in May, I'll be in Kansas City. Head to Adamconover.net for tickets.

2:46.1

Now, it seems kind of ridiculous that Warner Brothers, one of the world's most renowned movie studios,

...

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