Good day, this is a public service announcement from the FA.

Due to recent criticism of our disciplinary procedure, we would like to clarify the following

offenses for which one can receive a three-game ban for violent conduct.

Raising one's hands, three-game ban.

Lightly brushing your fingertips on an opponent's face, three-game ban.

Aiming a kick at an opponent but kicking only the air, three-game ban.

Stamping between somebody's legs, three-game ban.

Swinging a punch at somebody and missing, three-game ban.

Touching your head lightly off another player's head, three-game ban.

Stamping on somebody's chest while they're lying on the ground, three-game ban.

Kicking a player in the head, three-game ban.

Unless of course you are the England captain and threaten not to go to the World Cup,

in which case a no-game ban will be applied.

Breaking somebody's leg and fracturing their ankle with the bone coming out of their skin

and their foot turned the wrong way, three-game ban.

Tripping an opponent, then putting him in a choke hold until he turns blue, three-game ban.

Kicking an opponent in the ball so hard he starts to bleed out his mouth,

then soaking a rag in the player's own blood and forcing it down his throat

was evenly violating him with a stick, three-game ban.

As you can see the system is fair and equitable.

You can rest assured the FA always has the best interests of the game at heart.

Now if you don't mind, we have to find a way of adding an extra league game to the season

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