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It's that time.

Lock and load.

The Michael Vary Show is on the air.

All right.

Let me tell y'all about the weirdest bull I ever had to distract,

and I'm pretty sure she was elected. Now, I'm working security by the gate at the concert floor after the rodeo was over. Big show, lots, folks, music

loud enough to scare a cactus. And this politician waddles up in her shiny new belt buckle, big

enough to pick up satellite TV. She tries to push past the gate and goes real serious.

Son, do you know who I am? Now, I told her, ma'am, this ain't a rodeo bullpen. You got to have a wristband. She puffs up like a toting cowboy boots and says, I'm an important Latina woman. I'm Harris County, Judge Lina Hidalgo. I just stare at her because court ain't in session.

You with me?

Then she tries a new tactic.

Pulls out her phone and starts calling people.

I'm gonna have Rodney Ellis call you. I'm gonna have a Rodney Ellis call you? I'm like, ma'am, it don't matter who you call, you ain't getting in. Well, there's one person who can make it happen. He's one of the few men in this town who can get things done. And she asked who. And I told her the one name she apparently didn't want to hear.

Mattress Mac. That's when she became unhinged, boy. The furniture salesman?

Then she starts pointing at random folks in a crowd like she's casting some reality show.

You, you recognize me right? Lady says, ma'am, I thought you were selling brisket. Now she's getting desperate. Climes up on a haybell, waves her hat around, starts shouting. I represent the people. Some guy in the back yells, then go stand with them. Next thing I know, she's trying to lasso the gate latch like it's a runaway calf, hollering by the power investing in me as the Harris County judge,

open sesame.

Finally, I grabbed that microphone and I say,

ladies and gentlemen, if anybody here does know who this woman is,

please come get her.

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