The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello Bugleers, welcome to issue 29 of the Bugle for the week beginning Monday the 19th

of May 2008, which makes it just 472 short years since Ann Bolin had her

bumps lopped off by execution of magazine's husband of the year Henry VIII.

Hello from me Andy Zoltzman here in London and in New York City, Mr John Oliver.

Hello Bugles, I tell you how it has been, I met Doug Fife this week, ex-undersecretary of

defence for policy, of course, during the Bush administration, that's quite a job.

That goes without saying.

And he shook the hand Andy that touched George Clooney, I had to shake his hand and I'm

afraid that not only has the hand gone back to normal, I think it's got worse.

It's not just less handsome, I feel I've got some of the blood of innocent people on my

hand now.

It's an all great opportunity to hold out the hand as if you're going for the handshake

and then go with the old twiddly fingers on the nose.

Maybe I didn't think of it, it all happened so fast, I just, all I was concerned about

that he didn't mess up my other hand as well, I need that hand.

As always, some sections of the bugle go straight in the bin.

This week a self-sufficiency guide to help the global food crisis, including features

on how to turn your living room into a battery farm for up to 2000 chickens, how to motivate

your garden vegetables without destroying their self-esteem, and how to grow your own

caviar using a fairground goldfish and a contraceptive pill.

Top story this week, aliens, and I don't mean illegal immigrants, I mean actual aliens

...