I don't know what I'm talking about. Anyway, I better to start with this. So tonight's talk is about resolving feuds, guables, disconnections, fights, uncomfortable situations without using avoidance coping and why it's so important to

resolve these issues without avoiding and I'll talk about the toll of avoidance coping and I'll talk about

ways to safely do the work of addressing the underlying emotional dread of reconnecting with a difficult person

and then also talk about the ways we safely do that and hopefully my voice will sustain me through this.

Then we'll have a meditation where we actually practice the tools.

So, earliest most pain So earliest

most painful memories in life

involve tension with our caregivers,

the adults around us, human beings are social species and we are an attachment species. We are set up with a core drive to attach to others.

At first that core drive is, of course, the infant attaches

to an adult to have its needs met.

And it gets its needs met

by emotionally expressing its needs to the parent.

Infants and even toddlers don't use language, obviously, to express their needs.

They use the very most fundamental parts of emotions, which are essentially they express

their inner distress externally through cries, through laughter, through body movements.

And so to the degree that the infant is emotionally seen and understood by the caregiver creates a sense of a secure base and the child then moves into life with a sense

that other people won't abandon it when they feel distressed. and human beings because of our very

neurological setup we don't achieve what's called homeostasis where we're essentially back in a neutral stay after

we're activated by an unpleasant event.

We don't return to essentially calmness until we connect, feel the feelings, and disclose the feelings to another human being.

It's called co-regulation. Other species can auto-regulate entirely. If you're a bird, you're startled, you can actually

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