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Hi, this is Janet Lansfrey. Welcome to Unruffled.

Today I'm going to be talking about a topic that can be disconcerting for us as parents.

Can be scary, actually, because it is for our children.

It's when they're being aggressive, when they're lashing out at siblings or us, and then we find ourselves naturally losing our tempers, how do we handle this?

The first step, as it always, is understanding what's actually going on, why our child is acting like this.

And it really just comes down to one reason across the board. It's not as

complicated as it might appear. They're feeling out of control. They're feeling unsafe.

Our job, or what we can do to shift this and make it better for them. And of course, for us too, is to give them that one

thing that they're needing a sense of safety. And the frustrating thing for us as parents is that

nothing else will work. And we usually try everything before we get to this because their

behavior looks so alarming and mean

and just, you know, scary, terrible, like a bad sign of things to come or a sign that we've

been a terrible parent. And so we try to control the behavior, right? Maybe we try scolding them,

telling them they can't do this. We're not going to let them. But none of that

is giving them what they need, which is a sense that we accept that they are doing this. No, it's not

okay. It's not allowed. We're not going to let them continue. But we accept that they're in this

state where this is happening and we need to be the co-regulators,

if you will. We need to bring the safety back. So I'm going to talk a little about how that

looks. I have two different notes here. I'll use those to kind of explain some of the details,

...