A prayer to fight feelings of shame, written by Heather Cleary and read by Kelly Gibbons.

Those who look to him are radiant and their faces shall never be ashamed. Psalm 34 verse 5.

By most consistent spirit V.

By most consistent spiritual discipline has been shaming myself about spiritual disciplines.

Is that really what God wants for me?

Shame takes a lot of mental energy.

It also makes spending time with God seem like a chore,

something I do because I should, not because I'm legitimately thirsty. Shame is incredibly corrosive.

Here's what's crazy. The shame is a lie. I'm not in charge of my spiritual life.

Jesus is. I'm not responsible for healing and change. Jesus is. And even if I don't feel adequate, Jesus

most certainly is. Turning over that shame to him is a work in progress though. Here's how I'm practicing.

I'd like to want to pray as much as I want to go play a round of angry birds.

Sometimes I do want that, of course.

Praying with my prayer partner, resting on the Sabbath,

studying the word in my small group brings me lasting joy.

But often at 8 p.m. I don't feel like picking up my Bible.

I'd rather go zone out. The usual disciplined response to this

conundrum is to try harder, but I have a tricky relationship with trying harder after experiencing

abuse, spiritual and otherwise, early in my life. I spent years being good under threat. Trying harder

repeats patterns that shredded me. I sense God tugging me towards surrender instead of more effort.

When I feel shame about not wanting to pray, I stop and offer up a super simple one-sentence prayer.

Help me desire to come close to you, Jesus.

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