A Man's Guide To Ending Fearful-Avoidant Attachment

ManTalks Podcast

Connor Beaton

Society & Culture, Education, Health & Fitness, Relationships, Mental Health, Self-improvement

4.8 • 591 Ratings

🗓️ 4 April 2024

⏱️ 66 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

Talking points: attachment, psychology, mindset, relationships Alright team, this is one of the biggest guides yet! There were a TON of requests to cover this one, so I happily obliged. This attachment style is also called "disorganized attachment", and I've worked with a ton of men who have it. So let's dig in on what fearful-avoidant attachment is, how it affects relationships, and how to move back towards something more secure, authentic, and thriving with easy, deliberate steps. (00:00:00) - Intro and defining fearful-avoidant attachment, and how conflicting it can feel (00:08:20) - Where this attachment style starts, and what makes it different from anxious and avoidant (00:13:19) - What does fearful-avoidant look like in a relationship? (00:15:38) - What builds a fearful-avoidant style? Neglect and/or inconsistency (00:23:33) - One of the most important (and unspoken) needs of a child (00:28:19) - Parentification, one of the most common causes of fearful-avoidant attachment (00:33:37) - More on what this looks like in a relationship: control, distrust, (00:35:57) - Wanting closeness but fearing closeness, difficulty regulating emotions, and negativity (00:38:24) - On being disappointed by others, protection from rejection, and concentration (00:40:02) - The big one: inability to self-soothe (00:41:40) - So what do we do? Two BIG steps (00:45:24) - On how to self-regulate/self-soothe, and starting with the breath (00:50:20) - Find someone to help you work with your hypervigilance (00:53:07) - Develop consistent connection with your partner (or with friends). Here’s how (00:56:53) - Build trust. Slowly. Over time (00:59:46) - Set boundaries with the fear-based thoughts in your head *** Build brotherhood in person. Join a Men's Weekend Pick up my book, Men's Work: A Practical Guide To Face Your Darkness, End Self-Sabotage, And Find Freedom: https://mantalks.com/mens-work-book/ Check out some free resources: How To Quit Porn | Anger Meditation | How To Lead In Your Relationship Build brotherhood with a powerful group of like-minded men from around the world. Check out The Alliance. Enjoy the podcast? If so, please leave a review on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or Podchaser. It helps us get into the ears of new listeners, expand the ManTalks Community, and help others find the tools and training they’re looking for. And don't forget to subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts | Spotify For more episodes, visit us at ManTalks.com | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Transcript

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0:00.0	All right, gentlemen, here we are. It is time. We are finally going to be talking about the thing
0:12.3	that I got dozens and dozens and dozens of messages from you about DMs on YouTube,
0:19.7	DMs on Instagram, like emails about so many of you asked for this.
0:24.6	So here it is.
0:25.3	We're going to be talking about a man's guide to fearful, avoided attachment and how to move to a
0:32.2	secure, healthy attachment.
0:34.3	I didn't realize that this was such a big thing.
0:36.8	But when I did the avoidant one and the anxious
0:38.7	one, so many of you guys were like waiting for this. Where is this? Like, when are you going to do
0:43.2	this? So here we go. First off, let's start with what is the fearful avoidant? What is it? Right out the
0:51.2	gates, this is also known as the disorganized attachment, disorganized attachment,
0:56.5	and it's called disorganized for a number of reasons which we're going to get into, but really
1:00.9	the fearful avoidant can be characterized by a few things. Number one is a good amount of
1:07.7	anxiety, high levels of anxiousness, high levels of fearful thinking, and secondly,
1:14.8	the high levels of avoidant behaviors. So it's kind of a combination of the anxious and
1:20.7	avoidant. However, it's not as simple as just like smashing those two together and thinking
1:26.6	that you know what it is. All right,
1:28.2	it's a little bit more complicated than just somebody that's avoided and has anxiety.
1:33.5	Generally speaking, at the core of the fearful avoidant is a really deep desire for intimacy.
1:40.8	The misnomer or the, not the misnomer, but the misconception of the fearful avoidant is that they don't want intimacy. The misnomer or the, not the misnomer, but the misconception of the fearful avoidant is that
1:47.0	they don't want intimacy or that they're afraid of it. That's wrong at the heart and core of the
1:54.0	fearful avoidance. It's actually somebody who deeply wants intimacy and closeness, but they feel
	...

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