This is the 911 calls podcast with the operator.

Okay, hi, yes.

You've pressed play once again on the 911 Calls podcast and somehow against

all odds and probably your better judgment, you're still here. I'm the operator, which

honestly sounds more mysterious than it feels when you're recording in sweatpants.

So accurate.

So aspirational.

So picture this.

I'm on a nature kick.

Translation, I watched three hiking YouTubers and bought a titanium spork.

I lace up.

I head to the trail here thinking this is it, baby, I'm bare grills with the Fitbit.

Two minutes in and I discover I'm less leave no trace and more I left my inhaler.

And as I'm huffing past a sign that says, beware of falling rocks, my brain, helpful as ever, reminds me,

rocks aren't your problem, the operator?

People are.

Today, we hit the trail for something truly terrifying,

because sometimes the scariest thing on the trail isn't a bear or a snake

or realizing your trail mix is just peanuts because you picked through it all

and ate all of the gummy bears and Reese's peanut butter cups out of it.

Sometimes the scariest thing is a man in the woods.

And no, I'm not talking about the man versus bear thing, but a real terrifying man who decides the forest is his hunting ground.

...