Hi Besties, welcome to or welcome back to Try Not to Care.

So when I first started trying not to care, I was putting out episodes as a way to get

out all of my thoughts. It was essentially my diary, which is still is, but a lot of what

I put out there now is more to help those listening than myself. But I do still struggle with

my mental health. Some days are worse than others. Lately, I've been revisiting my past

a lot. And if you're an OG listener or you've listened to my earlier episodes, you know that

I had a harder childhood and I struggled in high school a lot for a really long time

if felt like my past paralyzed me. I was so ashamed of so many things that had happened

to me or things that I've done. I've looked back and really beat myself up over those things.

Like, it felt like I should have known better. I think that's why I felt so paralyzed. Like,

I couldn't redeem myself from those points in my life. The disappointment I felt for myself

overpowered, wanting to do better or wanting to get better. Luckily, I am in a better place now

and I've come to find peace in a lot of my past, but I'm human. Like, I still struggle. But with

all that being said, I want to talk about how damaging it is to shame yourself for your past.

I know for me, I have had difficulty coming to terms with any hardship in my life because

regardless of what has happened or who caused it, I will always find a way to blame myself for it.

Someone can absolutely destroy me, betray me, say or do the most hurtful things to me, abandon me,

you name it, and I will find a way to villainize myself for it. People have been so cruel to me

throughout my life, and I've internalized it over the years. And in a sick twisted way,

I've told myself I deserve it or at least deserve it because I allowed it. I think a lot of us

look back at our past and feel ashamed. We feel embarrassed, guilty, angry, upset for how we

acted or reacted to things. I still look back at relationships I was in and get angry

...