68: What Not to Say, with Bonni Stachowiak
Coaching for Leaders
Dave Stachowiak
4.8 • 1.6K Ratings
🗓️ 17 December 2012
⏱️ 38 minutes
🧾️ Download transcript
Summary
Bonni Stachowiak: Teaching in Higher Ed
Bonni is the host of the Teaching in Higher Ed podcast, Dean of Teaching and Learning and Professor of Business and Management at Vanguard University, and my life partner. Prior to her academic career, she was a human resources consultant and executive officer for a publicly traded company. Bonni is the author of The Productive Online and Offline Professor: A Practical Guide*.
It’s understandable that many of us would want to take positive actions to be an effective leader. While positive steps are important, our experience has been that first stopping the things that aren’t working will get you faster results. In this week’s show, we look at what you should stop saying to the people you lead.
What is said: “I don’t mean to be xxxxx, but…”
What you teach people: I likely am whatever I just said that I don’t mean to be
What is said: “But…”
What you teach people: Ignore everything I said before I said the word “but”
What is said: “Well, to be honest with you…”
What you teach people: I’m not always honest all of the time
What is said: “You made me feel…”
What you teach people: Confusion, since nobody can make you feel anything
What is said: Anger expressed at someone bringing bad news, even if they didn’t cause it
What you teach people: Don’t ever bring me bad news
What is said: I’m going to be the devil’s advocate here…
What you teach people: I either like arguing for the sake of arguing or I’m not willing to own my opinions
What is said: Giving your own opinion after asking someone for feedback
What you teach people: You don’t really care about what they think
Bonni also mentioned the 6 Thinking Hats as a model for more effective dialogue
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Transcript
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| 0:00.0 | You're listening to coaching for leaders. This is episode number 68. This week's topic is what not to say. |
| 0:07.0 | Produced by Innovate Learning, Maximizing human potential. Welcome to Coaching for Leaders. |
| 0:18.6 | This is the show for Leaders who want to improve themselves so they can better engage and develop others. |
| 0:25.0 | Whether you're a season leader or leading people for the first time, improving your leadership |
| 0:29.7 | skills will drive your success, and most importantly importantly the success of others. |
| 0:35.0 | This week's topic is what not to say. |
| 0:39.0 | Well welcome to episode 68 of coaching for leaders. My name is Dave Stahoviac, and I am joined this week again by Bonnie Stahoviac. Hello, Bonnie. Hi Dave. And we are here to talk about what not to say. Because often we get |
| 1:00.0 | ourselves in more trouble for what we do say and learning what not to say is important. |
| 1:06.0 | In fact, a lot of the times, Bonnie, when I'm doing coaching and I talk to other coaches, |
| 1:10.7 | one of the things that we'll start with is telling people and |
| 1:15.3 | teaching people and kind of looking at what they need to stop doing because that is |
| 1:20.4 | often one of the biggest things that gets in people's ways. |
| 1:24.4 | One of the things I love about our marriage, Dave, is that we have pretty common ground |
| 1:29.4 | rules for communication, things that are just either whether we've explicitly said is not |
| 1:34.3 | acceptable to us or whether it's just something we've always kind of taken for |
| 1:38.4 | granted isn't going to be okay in our relationship and what we're going to talk |
| 1:41.6 | about today is just really about building |
| 1:44.0 | trustworthy relationships both in the workplace and outside and this first one |
| 1:49.0 | comes up for me quite frequently. I'm fortunate to be able to say it came up more earlier in my career than it does now, but it's the idea of someone saying, I don't mean to be fill in the blank, but and the fill in the blank for me there was a there was a |
| 2:05.6 | particular individual I was friends with back in college days that would say things |
| 2:09.7 | like I don't mean to be racist but and you know this was college and we'll go on to say something |
| 2:17.0 | racist of course yeah it's amazing that what always in my experience has followed a |
... |
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