6: Fresh Prince of Beliar (The Ascension of Isaiah)

Apocrypals

Chris Sims

Comedy, History

4.9 • 650 Ratings

🗓️ 27 May 2018

⏱️ 72 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

"And Isaiah answered and said 'So far as I have utterance, damned and accused be thou and all thy powers and all thy house, for thou canst not take from me aught save the skin of my body.' And they siezed and sawed in sunder Isaiah the son of Amoz with a wooden saw." -- The Ascension of Isaiah, 5:9-11.

Here's a question for you, Theophiloi: How do you get rid of a prophet who won't stop sitting on your bed in the nude with 50 of his closest friends? The answer, at least according to this week's selection, is that you wait for him to turn into a tree that also won't stop prophesying, and then saw him in half. Join us as we read the apocryphal Ascension of Isaiah, which gets into some shockingly specific detail about what we can expect in the Gospels... mostly.

Topics of discussion: The feast of Mary, Mother of the Church, Pentecost, Shavuot, a missed installment of SatanWatch, Isaiah's constant nudity, Samael, the Venom of God, the Carnage of God, the Demiurge, Belial, demons in the air, AntichristWatch, Negaduck Jesus, Nero's popularity, Jesus's wrath against White Castles, the benefits of wooden saws, the Seven Heavens, God's password, Thrones and thrones, the Junior Woodchuck Guide for Heaven, Haguel.

Transcript

Click on a timestamp to play from that location

0:00.0	And Isaiah answered and said,
0:01.9	So far as I have utterance, I say,
0:04.1	Damned and accused be thou and all thy powers and all thy house.
0:08.4	For thou canst not take from me, ought save the skin of my body.
0:11.8	And they seized and sawed in sunder Isaiah, the son of Amos, with a wooden saw.
0:16.1	The ascension of Isaiah, chapter 5, verses 9 through 11.
0:19.6	You can run on for a long time. Run on. of Isaiah chapter 5 verses 9 through 11.
0:38.8	Hello friends and neighbors and welcome to Apocrypal's.
0:43.1	It's the podcast where two nonbelievers read the Bible, and we try not to be jerks about it.
0:46.9	My name is Chris Sims, and with me as always is the other set of footprints, Benito Serino.
0:48.7	Benito, how are you today?
0:50.9	I'm good, Chris. How are you?
0:53.2	I'm doing very well.
0:55.7	Yeah, good. We got a pretty wild one this week,
1:01.0	and then a not very interesting one. We do. We are going to be reading today for our selection,
1:08.7	the ascension of Isaiah, and the prayer of Manasseh. Do I have that right? Yes, correct. Oh,
1:10.8	it's always good when I pronounce it right in the first try.
1:18.2	Yeah, always pretty good. Yeah. So I should note before we get started here, we had a couple of a couple of big significant days recently as we're recording this. It was just Pentecost this past Sunday.
1:27.3	So, you know, traditional greeting, stacker Pentecost this past Sunday. So, you know, traditional greeting.
1:30.4	Stacker Pentecost, everyone.
1:32.2	Stacker Pentecost.
1:33.8	Now, what did you do with your Holy Ghost powers that you got?
	...

Please login to see the full transcript.

Previous episode | Next episode

Disclaimer: The podcast and artwork embedded on this page are from Chris Sims, and are the property of its owner and not affiliated with or endorsed by Tapesearch.

Generated transcripts are the property of Chris Sims and are distributed freely under the Fair Use doctrine. Transcripts generated by Tapesearch are not guaranteed to be accurate.