#584: How to Avoid Falling in Love With the Wrong Person

The Art of Manliness

Society & Culture, Education, Philosophy

4.7 • 14.5K Ratings

🗓️ 12 February 2020

⏱️ 59 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

Why do people sometimes fall in love with someone who is all kinds of wrong for them? Their friends and family see lots of red flags about their partner, but they themselves miss these warnings entirely, sometimes to catastrophic consequences. My guest today argues that these kinds of errors in relational decision-making happen when someone lets his heart rule without also heeding his head. His name is John Van Epp, and he's a therapist and the author of the book How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk. We begin our conversation discussing what society's default template for creating a successful relationship looks like, and how it leads people astray. John then defines what makes a jerk, a jerk, and the signs that you're dating a jerk. He then explains why it is that people so often miss these signs, by using a model of how attachment develops in a relationship; I think this model is super useful in understanding relational dynamics and you don't want to miss it. We then discuss why men need to do a better job in helping to pace relationships, instead of only letting women set the tempo. We end our conversation discussing the things you need to know about a person that you're forming a relationship with, including their relationship skills, family life, and values, before you escalate your commitment to them. Get the show notes at aom.is/lovethinks.

Transcript

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0:00.0	The Red McKay here and welcome to another edition of the Art of Manliness podcast.
0:11.0	Why do people sometimes fall in love with someone who is all kinds of wrong for them?
0:14.6	Their friends and family see lots of red flags about their partner, but they themselves
0:18.0	miss these mornings entirely, sometimes to catastrophic consequences.
0:22.0	My guess they argue that these kinds of errors in relational decision making happen when
0:25.3	someone lets his heart rule without also heating his head.
0:28.0	His name is John Van Depp, and he's a counselor in the author of the book How to Avoid Falling
0:31.7	Love with the Jerk.
0:32.7	We begin our conversation discussing what society's default template for creating a successful
0:36.3	relationship looks like and how it leads people astray.
0:39.2	John then defines what makes a jerk a jerk and the signs you're dating jerk.
0:43.1	He then explains why it is that people so often miss these signs by using a model of how
0:47.0	attachment develops in a relationship and I think this model is super useful in understanding
0:51.1	relational dynamics and you don't want to miss it.
0:53.2	We then discuss why men need to do a better job in helping pace relationships instead
0:56.9	of only letting women set the tempo and we inter-conversation discussing the things
1:00.1	you know about a person that you're forming a relationship with, including the relationship
1:03.6	skills, family life and values before you escalate your commitment to them.
1:08.2	After the show is over, check out our show notes at aowm.is slash love things.
1:14.7	Alright, John Van Depp, welcome to the show.
1:25.8	It's very exciting.
1:26.8	Thank you so much for having me.
	...

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