516-A Pastor with a "Prostitute" Mindset Changed His Ways: Jerry's Story

There's a quiet frustration many good men carry.

You've tried to talk.
You've tried to suggest counseling, books, podcasts—something.
You've even tried explaining your heart.

And still… she doesn't seem to listen.
Doesn't engage.
Doesn't change.

If that's you, let me say this gently but clearly:

God may be asking you to go first.

And yes—that can feel unfair.

But it is also where real transformation begins.

When You Find Yourself Becoming Someone You Didn't Want to Be

One husband recently shared that after nearly three decades of marriage and years of faithful ministry, he found himself in a place he never expected.

Not because his marriage had been bad.
But because it was changing—and he wasn't prepared.

His wife's body was changing.
Their season of life was shifting.
Transitions piled up.

And slowly, something in him hardened.
He was becoming "grouchy" and "crusty".

He said it plainly: "I just didn't like how I was becoming… and I didn't like how I was treating my wife."

That awareness matters.

Because most men don't wake up one day intending to pressure, resent, or withdraw.
It happens subtly—when expectations go unmet and entitlement slowly but surely begins to creep in.

A Marriage That Became Transactional Instead of Sacrifical

Many men come to this work believing, "If my wife would just listen… if she would just change… then we'd be okay."

But here's the truth that was exposed in this man's life: he was living transactionally.

"I didn't realize I was living in a transactional relationship until those transactions weren't happening."

In other words:
I give love → I expect intimacy.
I serve → I expect responsiveness.

This man had never thought of himself as transactional—until intimacy slowed and frustration surged.

That's when God began to do the deeper work.

Take the Focus Off Intimacy to Heal Intimacy

One of the most countercultural invitations men hear in this process is simple—and deeply uncomfortable:

Take your foot off the gas.

Not forever.
But for now.

Because a woman cannot open her body when her heart doesn't feel safe.

She needs to feel safe, known, and wholeheartedly cherished—especially in seasons of vulnerability like menopause, grief, exhaustion, or long-term transition.

This husband learned that before asking anything of his wife, God was asking him to rebuild safety.

And that required humility.

The "Prostitute" Mindset

Going through the Masculinity Reclaimed process, this man shared something that he learned that changed everything for him:
"[Belah said] you guys are treating your wives like prostitutes. And the fact that you are not making them feel safe. You are not making them feel fully known...and you are not wholeheartedly cherishing your wives. Yet, you know, you flip the switch at...10 o'clock, 11 o'clock at night, and you want intimacy, and you're getting grouchy or whatever when that doesn't happen."

He had never seen it this way before, and it changed everything for him.

It was painful to hear.
And necessary.

Because intimacy without safety and care doesn't feel like love to a woman—it feels like obligation.

Doing the Work Made a Change in Their Marriage

This man didn't tell his wife he was doing the work at first.

But she noticed anyway.

She noticed the listening.
The gentleness.
The apologies for things that happened years ago.

And eventually, she asked.

Change preached is often resisted.
Change embodied is felt.

Yes, intimacy improved.

But that's not what this husband points to as the greatest win.

He says the real transformation was internal:

• Healthier expectations

• A reordered life

• A clearer understanding of his responsibility as a man

Final Encouragement

If you're waiting for your wife to change before you soften…
If you're tempted to push, convince, or withdraw…
If you're tired of feeling unseen…

Hear this:
God honors the man who goes first.
Not the man who wins the argument.

You are not alone.
And this is not the end of your story.

It may be the beginning of the truest work God has ever done in you.

You can do this, sir.

God bless you!

 

With love,

The Delight Your Marriage Team

PS – Ready to take the next step in renewing your heart and your marriage? We would love to chat with you. Schedule a free Clarity Call with one of our Clarity Advisors, who have all been through the program and have been where you have been. It's time to take the leap.

PPS – Wondering just exactly how healthy your own marriage is? Are you also surviving instead of thriving? Take our free Marital Health Assessment and see what your marital score is–and how we can help.

PPPS – Here is a quote from (another) recent graduate:
"We argued a lot. Said hurtful things to each other.  Raised voices in front of the kids.  Less emotional connection generally.  Sex felt merely physical and not emotionally connected...not fulfilling. Usually felt like duty. And I have always been initiating and my wife has often complained about that...[Now], I've become more contented and patient and focused on her needs and a better listener I think.  She says our home has less tension since I've been doing the program.  I take that as a win!  She has initiated twice in the past 2 weeks!  Very rare before this!"

(Guest name has been changed for safety and anonymity)