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Church of Lazlo Podcasts

5.12.26, Jumped by Teenagers

Church of Lazlo Podcasts

Audacy

Comedy

4.91.7K Ratings

🗓️ 12 May 2026

⏱️ 120 minutes

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

Lazlo and SlimFast are sick, golf is impossible, and a guy exploded in an airplane engine. Lazlo tiptoes around hantavirus talk after his controversial COVID takes. SlimFasts’ TERRIFIED of teenagers, and Lazlo would just set them on fire. The Church of Lazlo is open to promote propaganda! And let the people own an airline! Stream The Church of Lazlo podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts!

Transcript

Click on a timestamp to play from that location

0:00.0

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men.

0:11.0

Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness.

0:18.0

For he is truly his brother's keeper and finder of lost children.

0:23.6

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger, those who attempt

0:31.6

to poison and destroy my brothers.

0:34.6

And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

0:42.0

Ladies and gentlemen, the Church of Laslow has begun.

0:47.7

Yo!

0:48.7

How are you?

0:49.7

I'm all right.

0:50.2

How are you?

0:50.9

I'm not, I was out yesterday.

0:52.9

I didn't feel good yesterday.

0:54.6

Yeah. I don't feel good today either. I don't, I didn't, I was out yesterday. Yeah.

0:56.1

I don't feel good today either.

1:00.5

I don't know if it was, you know, being out and meeting people for the first time in years or I have no idea, but man, Saturday.

1:03.9

I honestly got it slept, just had a cold sleep Saturday night, all day, Sunday, and all day Monday Monday I don't think I got out of bed for more than

1:12.9

two hours total true but I mean

1:16.7

that's how I do it you know what I mean yeah but man yeah well

1:20.7

could have been the concert even on Mother's Day I was like all right man you

1:24.6

two take my credit card take yourselves out to a nice dinner yeah that's how bad I felt yeah for my boys yeah well I was like, all right, man, you two. Take my credit card. Take yourselves out to a nice dinner. Yeah. That's how bad I felt for my boys. Well, I wasn't, I wasn't bummed when I saw that you said that you needed to sleep yesterday because I wasn't feeling good either. And I don't know, whatever Friday I woke up in pain when I came in here. That was the day, you're making fun of me, Fibromyles, boy. Oh yeah, that's right. I felt like I felt okay. I think, I don't really remember Saturday. I was trying to think about that. I know I didn't feel good, but I felt so much worse on Sunday. My mom, you know, she hasn't been doing great. It was Mother's Day, so I went to see

2:01.3

here, but I don't want to get her sick. So I was like, I feel horrible. And no sooner had I said that, I was like, we got to leave. So we got in the car to drive home, and then I saw the text that you weren't feeling good. And I was like, oh, Lazz was not feeling good either. So something's going around or I don't know

...

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