Tonight's broadcast is brought to you by the company you depend upon for all of your greatest needs, heart life.

These stories are true dramatizations from our fair city's glorious history.

So listen and remember, heart life, all the life you'll ever need.

Max test one time. And remember, heart life, all the life you'll ever need. Vox test, one, two, three, alpha, bravo, Charlie Delta, Charlie Bravo, Alpha, three, two, one.

Yeah, I like that. That sounded pretty good there, Chief.

I would like to punch it up a couple two tree clicks for the monologue.

Fadigara, butter, gotta, fudugda, butter, gotta, put a gotta,

Policies Impala sets, welcome to the Archibald Funny Pants Variety Hour. Policies and Policets, welcome. It's the Archibald Funny Pants Variety Hour. Welcome to the Archibald Funny Pants Variety Hour. All right, Archie, we're 60 minutes to house, 90 to the top of the show. Don't forget, we've got the lives of the PWCs right after your monologue and the Henderson biography after the break. The PWCs again, huh? That's all we've got, Archie. And then you're closing out with the big announcement and interview segment. The new director of utilities. What? No, Archie, didn't they tell you? Fred Kirby Jr. got bumped.

Unacceptable. I prepared questions. I wrote them down! Yeah, well, at least we traded up. Oh, I bet. What chump did they send instead? Didn't they tell you? You got Cassie Wilkins. Oh, come on. Mr. Jay already tried this one. Didn't they tell you, Archie? Ha ha! I hate that guy.

But you? I thought at least we had a good professional relationship. already tried this one. Didn't they tell you, Archie? Ha, ha! I hate that guy.

But you? I thought at least we had a good professional relationship, you and me. Archie... Today is less mess with Archie before a show. What's it going to be tomorrow, huh? You're going to screw with me on the air? Archie. You know, you are the worst kind of people. Archie, shut up and listen for one minute. HeartLife News lost the interview when Sarah Fletcher had a meltdown on the air.

Sarah Fletcher?

Yes, she said... Archie, shut up and listen for one minute. HeartLife News lost the interview when Sarah Fletcher had a meltdown on the air.

Sarah Fletcher?

Yes, she said, she said that mole people are people too.

Sarah Fletcher is a mole lover and Cassie Wilkins is going to be on my show?

That's right.

They said that she was more qualified to run the news team, but look at her now. Wait, how long until, Curtin? I need new questions. 60 minutes to house, 90 to the top of the show. That's not enough time. Why didn't you tell me sooner? You did tell you. Agreed to disagree. Where is she? Cassie, I don't know. You were supposed to reach out to her personally. Didn't Mr. Jay tell you? I thought he was kidding. Seriously? Well, if you don't want it, we can cut the interview.

The band can do an extended set or you... This is the biggest story since the Wolken debacle and anything Sarah Fletcher can do, I can do. I am not missing this chance. Cassie Wilkins will be here. Just get everyone else ready. Go on, go! Hey you, you two. Come here. Yes, sir. What can we do for you, boss? You were supposed to bring Cassie Wilkins here an hour ago. Why isn't she here? Don't remember anyone telling us that. Flint? Nobody at all, Roman. What do you suppose this is about then, Flint? Don't know, Roman. Hard to say. Could be old Archie here screwed up and wants to blame us. Oh, could be. This was your job and it's your problem, not mine. You hear that, Roman? Sounds like we got ourselves a problem. I think I can fix it. Ow! What are you doing? It's good work in here, you know? The people are nice. Yeah, real nice. Ah! Yeah, let me go. And since we're all so nice, we're happy to do you a favor and bring you this Cassie character. But I think you better ask first. Nice. Okay. Uh, would you please get Cassie Wilkins down here? She's supposed to be on the show.

And she's not here because... I didn't get her down here when I was supposed to.

No problem, boss.

Happy to help.

...