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Coming up on the Jordan Harbanger show.

One person may see the glass what they call have empty or have full but the exaggeration that's going on because we're in the same house is that we get polarized and so one person wants to watch the news all the time and the other person doesn't want to watch the news at all.

Remember to let your partner grieve the way they want to grieve deal with the bad news the way they want to deal with it let them be different they're not you you're not me and if you want to watch the news all day do it.

And if you want to talk about how bad things are I don't need to correct you and if I want to talk about how good things are well that would be hard to do right now but let me and I think what's going on is that those differences are so exaggerated now that we're driving each other crazy with them.

Welcome to the show I'm Jordan Harbinger on the Jordan Harbinger show we decode the stories secrets and skills of the world's most fascinating people we've got in depth conversations with people at the top of their game astronauts and entrepreneurs spies and psychologists even the occasional Russian chess grandmaster war correspondent arms dealer you get the idea each episode turns our guests wisdom in a practical advice that you can use to build a deeper understanding of how the world works and become a better coach.

And become a better critical thinker if you're new to this show or you're looking for a handy way to tell your friends about it we now have episodes starter packs these are collections of your favorite episodes organized by popular topics to help new listeners get a taste of everything that we do here on the show just visit Jordan Harbinger dot com slash start to get started or to help somebody else get started which we always appreciate today a returning guest on the show Linda Carol she is a relationship coach not the cheese ball kind though I'll have you know she's done feedback Fridays with us but.

Before she's done a few episodes with us before I love talking with her because she really understands this stuff and she's great at debunking things like you need to love yourself first or there's a soulmate for you out there somewhere funny how we find those people within 10 miles of our house among all the people on earth typically when we start looking also today love is a feeling loving is a skill set and like all feelings love comes and goes but loving is an action based on skills that need practice and we're going to talk about some of those skills here today and we're going to debunk.

We're going to talk about some of those love conquers all kind of cliches that don't do us any favors if you're wondering how I managed to book all these great authors thinkers and creators every single week it's because of my network and I'm teaching you how to build your network for free over at Jordan Harbinger dot com slash course most of the guests on the show they subscribe to the course they contribute to the course come join us you'll be in smart company where you belong now here's Linda Carol.

Linda thanks for coming back on the show it's always a pleasure always a pleasure to talk to you now one of the things I wanted to start with which I thought was interesting now being a dad and being married for a while is you mentioned that love is a feeling and loving is a skill set and like all feelings love comes and goes but loving isn't it's an action based on skills that need practice and I think that's lost on a lot of people because we kind of think like oh we fall in love and if you ever fall out of love it's like this huge problem and it there's not only a lot of people that are not going to be able to do it.

And it there's nothing you can do about it and she's the universe did that to you and your school yeah that's right that's right we know what I think is that I've been seeing couples for 40 years you know the problem is usually not the problem that they come in with what people present.

It's not the trouble it's a normal trouble the trouble comes because they get mad they get defensive they shut down and then they start being mean they close off they go into fight freeze flap.

They disappear they punish and the love is a feeling part is really that it's easy to be loving when we feel all those good she feelings but when we feel upset when we feel upset because our partner say something that's threatening.

Says something that hurts our feelings we stop being loving we even stop being kind and there comes the trouble because people don't repair they come in he forgot to spin it she called me a jerk and all of a sudden the whole thing gets bigger and bigger and then what happens is that the problem is not forgetting the spinach the problem is getting stuck in not forgetting the spinach letting that leak into every unfair thing that's ever happened to you feeling protective defensive.

And suddenly that's the dance you're in for five years.

Right this is like the stuff that piles up until somebody finally leaves the cap off the toothpaste and like the other person comes screaming out of the bathroom about how you're an awful human being and they want to divorce right that's right.

So if we learn to be loving which is not gushy it's not insincere it's just it's really just practicing kindness and if we also can learn how to repair and not hold grudges.

We can move out of those stuck places very quickly but unfortunately that's not what happens for a lot of us we get stuck in them a little thing becomes bigger and bigger and bigger and then where stat becomes the relationship.

There was an example you gave one of your articles that was really good and I'm trying to remember precisely what this was a mulling to it in the show notes so people can find it without me but you're here but it was.

Somebody had come home and this is such an easy example for you to pick up on I'm assuming somebody comes home and says hey I forgot the spinach and the other person is cooking and they say I can't believe you forgot the spinach you know you always forget things like this it's just so convenient you know that you forgot the spinach well if I wasn't running around running errands for you all day then I wouldn't have forgot the spinach and then it sort of devolves into either this happens all the time and I catch why shouldn't say I catch my wife my wife and I catch each other on this all.

The time where if I'm cranky she'll say you're always in a bad mood or I'll say you always forget to do this and now what I've done which drives her crazy and I told her to do it to me when I do it is I go I always forget this and she's like okay fine lately you have been forgetting this or okay fine today you forgot that all right you're usually pretty good about that and it is annoying but it's also kind of funny in the moment but it does bring up sort of a good point between us which is nobody always.

Nobody always forgets everything nobody always is late and you kind of have to snap back into reality where the other person doesn't always always do this if someone is always late you probably knew that before you got married or there's some like really severe issue but if somebody just does something that's annoying

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