452 - Not Taking Full Responsibility for Wounding Those We Love

Pure Desire Podcast

Pure Desire Ministries

Healing, Aa, Christian Recovery, Sa, Self-improvement, Christianity, Sexuality, Celebrate Recovery, Sexual Addiction Recovery, Recovery, Porn Recovery, Health & Fitness, Religion & Spirituality, Betrayal Trauma, Porn Addiction Recovery, Biblical Recovery, Education

4.8 • 750 Ratings

🗓️ 3 March 2026

⏱️ 61 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

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Summary

In this episode, we explore what it truly means to take full responsibility for the damage caused by addiction—and why minimizing, deflecting, or excusing that harm often keeps relapse close at hand. Joined by Eileen Fagan, we identify subtle signs of incomplete ownership, from defensiveness and justification to shifting focus onto the wounded spouse’s reactions. We also discuss why acknowledging pain we’ve caused is so difficult, even for those well into recovery, and how loved ones or group members can gently guide someone toward honest self-awareness without shaming or controlling. On the hopeful side, we paint a picture of what real ownership looks like: humility, empathy, repair-focused action, and a willingness to validate pain without arguing with it. We talk about how to avoid the trap of comparison when both partners carry wounds, and how to accept responsibility without spiraling into self-contempt. Ultimately, healthy ownership becomes a lifelong posture—not self-punishment, but a steady commitment to relational repair and integrity.

Transcript

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0:00.0	Hello there, good listener. I am your host, Nick Stumbo, and you are listening to The Pure Desire podcast, your biblically based and clinically informed approach to healing from betrayal and breaking free from all forms of compulsive sexual behavior.
0:19.3	And whether today is your first day in recovery or your
0:21.9	10,000, we hope that it's a helpful conversation to hear a discussion that you might not have
0:27.5	gotten to hear in other places in your life. Today is episode 452 and joining me as my co-host
0:34.0	throughout this series is the one and only Mr. Stuart Blade. Stuart, welcome back. Yeah, thank you. It is exciting to be back. That is for sure. Yeah. Well, we're having a lot of fun in this series. This is part three of five in a series we're doing called avoiding relapse in later recovery. And it came really from the heart of our founder Dr. Ted Roberts who
0:54.5	would work with men in recovery and then he would find some of them coming back
0:58.1	after a few years having done really well and then they had fallen back into a
1:02.0	pattern of relapse or challenges and there were some commonalities that he
1:05.9	had seen along the way and so that's this five-part series and today the topic
1:10.8	that we're facing is
1:12.2	not taking full responsibility for how we have wounded those we love. Thoughts from you,
1:19.0	Stuart, on why this is a challenge and why this episode is so important. Oh, well, it is my own
1:24.2	story of just like where I'm at in my journey.
1:42.5	And so I just think about the places where we find ourselves where when Ted said it's a two to five year journey, like at that five year mark, in seven pillars, we can read that and be like, oh, well, after five years, like, I should be good.
1:43.3	Good to go.
1:43.9	Absolutely. And what we do not tell people is this is a
1:47.3	two to life journey. This does not stop after five years. And Eileen's conversation is incredible.
1:54.3	Her vulnerability, her insights, the way she shares her own stories, it's going to be a great episode.
2:02.3	Yeah, Eileen Fagan is our guest today. She's a member of our counseling team, and so she helps couples with this all the time. And I
2:07.1	think what you'll hear so clearly from her is that she has lived it. Yeah. She has experienced both
2:12.4	sides of when someone is not taking full responsibility for how they've hurt others and then what it looks
2:18.2	like when someone does. And so I think we've all got a ton to learn from this and listener,
	...

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