449 SelfWork: How to Heal From An Affair

The SelfWork Podcast

Margaret Robinson Rutherford PhD

Education, Health & Fitness, Mental Health, Self-improvement

4.7 • 1.2K Ratings

🗓️ 6 June 2025

⏱️ 26 minutes

🔗️ Recording | iTunes | RSS

🧾️ Download transcript

Summary

Do you know how to heal from an affair?

This episode is once again motivated by a wonderful question from a listener. He’s a guy whose been in a relationship for many years – had an affair – or as he says “I cheated." But he now realizes that he still has deep feelings for his girlfriend. He wants to know how the two of them need to approach reconciliation together. I was struck by his sincerity and honesty, and decided to feature his comments and question.

There are very specific things I’ve learned about how to heal from an affair or affairs. It’s not easy but it can be done. I’ll offer seven of those caveats today.

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Transcript

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0:00.0	This is self-work, and I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford.
0:10.3	At self-work, we discuss psychological and emotional issues and what you can do about them,
0:15.7	whether that's learning self-acceptance, taking action, or seeking therapy or treatment.
0:21.3	Eight years ago, I extended the walls of my practice to reach those of you who might already be
0:26.1	knowledgeable about middle health treatment, but also to those of you who might say you'd never
0:31.3	darken the door of a therapist. And yet, you are here. I'll answer your questions while I invite
0:37.1	you to take a few minutes for your
0:39.1	own self-work. Many betrayed people say is just as difficult to work through than any sexual
0:46.9	or emotional indiscretion. It's the deceit that's hard. The therapist needs to guide the couple
0:51.5	carefully through the betrayer's tangle of self-protection
0:54.7	or protection of a past lover and the defensiveness and shame that comes with it, while also
0:59.7	working with the betrays, desperate, wanting, and deserving of the absolute truth.
1:05.5	Welcome to this week's edition of Self-Work.
1:09.5	The episode today is once again motivated by a wonderful question
1:13.3	from a listener. He's a guy who's been in a relationship for many years, hadn't fair,
1:18.3	or as he says, I cheated, but now realizes that he still has deep feelings for his girlfriend
1:24.0	and wants to know how the two of them need to approach reconciliation
1:27.8	together.
1:28.9	I was very struck by his sincerity and honesty.
1:32.6	But there are very specific things I've learned about healing from an affair or affairs,
1:36.8	because sometimes it's both people.
1:38.5	It's not easy, but it can be done.
	...

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