Welcome back to the Busway Podcast. Okay, so today is a CEO Mama episode and one topic that felt really important to record was on resentment because I would say for me in early

motherhood this is one of the things that I didn't anticipate. Like I didn't read a lot of the books and things like that so maybe it was more talked about but when it actually showed up for me in early motherhood I was really surprised and I would say that was one of the biggest challenges I had to work through my marriage was resentment.

Did you know to prepare for this? Did it hit you? Like I remember when it hit me I was shocked at how intense it was.

Yeah, I don't think I was even like conscious in the first couple years of motherhood of any of this stuff. I think it's now come so much more into my radar as I've gotten more focused on it, but when I look back I remember the very first memory I have a feeling it was I sent RT a text message because he like I worked at home and he worked out of the home and like he got to leave every day and I remember sending a text message and being like when you get home you have to take over because I have been doing everything all day and

like and it was like that energy of when you get home you know and I remember years later

he brought that up in counseling and therapy

and was like the tone of that really

was off putting for me because I knew like I knew how angry you were

but you weren't saying like what you needed.

You were just like when you get home and now yeah I mean just

that feeling in my body I'm like that's it but it's exactly what you said it's like

there's this like overarching feeling of I'm doing everything and you don't see it and you're just out all day working and so when you get home you have to like

Understand what you've missed all day. It's very very insidious, but so real too, and I think all of us have it, all of us.

I don't think you're immune to it at all.

Yeah, and what really surprised me too is how much it would show up being the breadwinner.

This the feeling of things being unequal like of taking the role of primary parent

plus being breadwinner, plus feeling like I'm primary housekeeper, like all the things.

I didn't really anticipate just how much that would be an issue for us in navigating that in early

motherhood and I felt like there were only certain people I could talk to about it

because I would have other friends that would really try and and maybe this worked for them but I felt like they would bypass it and say things like well don't make money mean so much And for me it was never about money meaning so much, it's about what it's symbolized and what it's symbolized to me was just across the board there were a lot of things in the relationship that were feeling unequal and so it was a symptom, not the root cause, but it was a symptom that I got to pay attention to that helped me get to the root cause, which was ultimately this feeling of I need things to feel more equal in our relationship as a whole and then I need to work on my resentment which was you know a good chunk of my own work and I did want that equality like I think the personal development world sometimes can gas you a little gas you a little bit no I think the personal development world can gaslight you a little bit like oh if you're

feeling resentment that's all on you but actually that was a symptom of things being actually unequal and me not being okay with it.

Like things, you know, have really shifted.

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